This one needs no preamble, but I’m going to waste your time with one anyway. See, I’m a veteran of the MBTA. I’ve seen some things. Things that’ve made my blood boil. Things that’ve made my stomach churn. Things that have made my head ache, my eyes roll, and my jaw drop. Things I’ll never be able to unsee. But I’ve survived. I’m better for it, despite all the alcoholism and sleepless nights it’s caused. And so I’m revisiting a few of those moments to assist you, dear reader. Perhaps my words will give you an invisible shoulder on which to cry and an imaginary internet pal with whom to commiserate. Perhaps they’ll encourage you to walk or catch a cab. Perhaps you’ll simply feel better about yourself because at least you’re not a shitty blogger who thinks writing about crap like this is a good idea. Regardless, dear reader, this half-assed list of terrible archetypes is for you. Hey, at least it’s not a slideshow!
6. Early Stand Up Douche – Got ants in the pants. Refuses to stay seated until train stops. Must stand up and push eighteen people out of the way three minutes before next station while train is at maximum acceleration. Probably does not last long in the sack if you know what I mean.
5. Giant Backpack Bro – Basically carrying a refrigerator on his back. Failed geometry three times and thus has no concept of spacial relations. Won’t put his god damn pack on the god damn floor regardless of how many people walk right into it. Backpack might contain smaller bro with smaller backpack.
4. New Colonel Sanders – Purely hypothetical. Nothing would make me get off a train or a bus quicker than Darrell Hammond in that creepy get up. It’s finger. Lickin’. Wrong.
3. Drunk BU Kid – Saturday night special. Northface 4 Lyfe. Long nights of practice have blessed this individual with the skill required to run off the train, vomit in a trash can, and get back on before the doors close. Has more sex and a brighter future than you do. Got drunk at a shitty bar downtown after a beer and a half.
2. Stinky Homeless Guy – Walking, talking manifestation of cat piss. Likely sprawled out across four seats with a bag of empties taking up a fifth. Beard contains eighteen species never before catalogued by science. Will talk to you; you won’t enjoy it unless you’re weird. Got drunk at a shitty bar downtown after a beer and a half fifteen years ago and hasn’t been sober since.
1. Middle-Aged Tourist – Fanny pack central. Thinks he can disembark at Harvard Station and follow the Freedom Trail to Fenway Park. Pairs a ghastly pastel polo with inappropriately short shorts because “Larry Bird lol.” Stands up at every stop and glances around as if searching for the black helicopters he knows have been stalking him. Does not understand that inbound is always towards Park Street no matter how many people he asks. Will be drunk at a shitty bar downtown after a beer and a half.