The five most underrated sandwich ingredients

I don’t know about you, but crapping on the President all the time makes me hungry! There’s no better way to soothe the hunger pangs of an outraged liberal stomach than with a good old-fashioned sandwich. So here are the five most under-rated sandwich ingredients, because if I just write about politics all the time I’m going to drive myself nuts.

5. Spinach. Lettuce is for losers, bro. Lettuce doesn’t even lift. It ain’t swole like you and me. Now spinach, on the other hand…that shit’s lit. It fits better. It tastes better. It’s greener. Spinach all the way.

4. Caramelized onions. A source of sweetness often overlooked. Caramelized onions are the clean up hitters of the Sandwich All-Star team. They drive all the other flavors in with authority.

3. Italian meats. Salami. Capricola. Mortadella. Prosciutto. Soppressata. (…those are all Italian, right?) Here’s your muscle. Your carefully cured enforcers. Solid alone; dangerous in a group. Italian meat keeps the rest of your sandwich in line through sheer force of will. Treat it right or it will catch you outside.

2. Onion rolls. The foundation. Without some sort of bread, your sandwich is just a pile. Nobody wants a pile. A nice fluffy onion roll kicks your lunch to the next level. It’s absorbent. Stuff doesn’t fall out of it. Satisfying to hold but easy to put in your mouth (HA HA HA).

1. Stuffing. This stuff’s the shit, yo. Stuffing ain’t just for various hollowed out birds. Used appropriately, it adds a layer of moisture, flavor, and texture that can rock the Oakleys right off the back of Guy Fieri’s head. Try it. Love it. Thank me later.

And no, I’m not suggesting you try an Italian sub with spinach, caramelized onions, and Stove Top on an onion roll…or am I?

You know what doesn’t make a good sandwich? Trying to charge your neighbor for a stupid Fucking Wall you don’t need in the first place. Oh, so you’ll force them to pay with a 20% tariff on goods imported to your country? Way to pass the cost off onto your own citizens, dickweed. But I get it; it’ll never come to that, because that sort of tariff would tank the Mexican economy by allowing goods from elsewhere to undercut their prices. Investments into Mexico have already slowed and the peso craps all over itself any time the topic is brought up. Anyone with the wherewithal to cross the barren wasteland along the border ain’t going to be deterred by a wall. A wall can’t stop tunnels, aircraft, drug-launching t-shirt cannons (yup, that’s real), ladders, ropes, Brock Lesnar, human pyramids, pole vaulters, Graboids, or dynamite. There’s a reason this sort of fortification went out of style around the same time as full plate armor, broadswords, and healing people with leeches. He’s holding a friendly neighbor hostage to pay for a wasteful project that’s going to turn into nothing but a giant money pit. What a nice, reasonable fucking guy. I hope all the animals that can’t migrate past the Fucking Wall piss all over it.

Sorry. Couldn’t resist. Enjoy that sandwich!

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