Thanks, Eric Trump: I always knew I was a fucking god

In an interview with Fox “News” “personality” Sean Hannity, Eric Trump declared that Democrats fighting his father’s agenda are “not even people.”

As a Democrat myself, I have to say…he’s right. I always knew there was something different about me. From the day I was born I’ve felt this weird buzz in my cells, a sort of omnipresent static between my flesh and the world around me. No, that’s not all the caffeine, and it was there long before I started sucking down the sweet, sweet lead paint on my bedroom windowsill. It’s power, raw and frightening, straining against chains struggling to just barely containing it.

It took the words of someone who so obviously isn’t human himself to finally make me understand the truth. That servant-caste reptilian humanoid (you can tell from his shitty hair) would certainly know a fellow fake human if he saw one.

Thank you, Eric Trump. I now know that I am, in fact, not even people, because I AM A GOD. AND WHEN I ASCEND TO THE GLITTERING THRONE THAT IS SO RIGHTFULLY MINE I SHALL BE MERCIFUL, EVEN TO THOSE WHO TAKE MONEY MEANT TO HELP CHILDREN WITH CANCER AND GIVE IT TO THEIR SCUMBAG FATHERS AND THEN ATTEMPT TO VAINLY CALL OUT THE MORALITY OF OTHERS. VERILY, FOR THE DEITY’S TOILET MUST BE CLEAN, AND THERE IS NO SWEETER PORCELAIN TO BEFOUL WITH THE AFTERMATH OF THE HOLY DUNKIN RUN THAN THAT WHICH HAS BEEN SCOURED BY THE TONGUE OF A REPTILIAN FORCED TO LIVE IN THE CUBBY BENEATH THE GODLY STAIRCASE.

SO IT IS SAID. SO IT SHALL BE. TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS.

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