There’s going to be a ton of shitty baseball played in this division, but at least it’s going to be entertaining. How’d I do last year?
|My Awesome Predictions||Stupid Reality|
|1||Washington||New York Mets|
1. New York Mets – Picking a different team to win this division would just be silly. This year’s Mets team is all about stability. The only major change they made in the offseason was exchanging Daniel Murphy for Neil Walker, which should be basically a wash despite Murphy’s postseason fireworks display. Yes, I know they signed Asdrubal Cabrera. No, he’s not a major change. I worry a little bit about their lineup, but that pitching staff is awesome. And Bartolo Colon gets to hit, which is indescribably wonderful:
Booze Equivalent: Basil Hayden’s, neat. Good stuff. 92 wins.
2. Washington Nationals – Jonathan Papelbon was reportedly talked out of wearing a cut-off t-shirt that said “Obama can’t ban these guns” to a recent press conference at which he apologized for choking Bryce Harper during a game last season. I’m a pansy ass liberal, but I love Jonathan Papelbon—and there is no way in hell the Pap/Harper beef is over. Somebody’s getting power bombed during the presidents’ race sometime in July, when the Nats are good but not great and injuries to their fragile group of stars and a lack of pitching depth make GM Mike Rizzo start to think about breaking up the band.
Booze Equivalent: That Narragansett I once left outside on the porch and forgot about over the winter. Yeah, that’s going to explode. 81 wins.
3. Florida Marlins – The Marlins may have finally found the missing piece of the puzzle that will get them back into contention: they’ve banned facial hair. I kid, of course. Or do I? I’ve recently realized that approximately 93% of the bearded population is kind of annoying. They’re so “sensible” and “educated” and they tell the “best” stories about that thing they heard on NPR—like that guy in the Chevrolet ads. I hate the guy in the Chevrolet ads. Maybe the Marlins are actually onto something…
Booze Equivalent: Blue Moon. Kind of ok if you don’t think about it too much. 79 wins.
4. Philadelphia Phillies – They’re bad, but I don’t think they’re going to be terrible. That’s kind of all I’ve got. Maybe someone will trade for Ryan Howard’s corpse and it will be kind of funny? I don’t know.
Booze Equivalent: PBR. Like I said, bad but not terrible. 72 wins.
5. Atlanta Braves – Talk about a rebuild. I can’t believe Freddie Freeman is still here. Heck, Freddie Freeman probably can’t believe Freddie Freeman is still here. Poor Freddie Freeman. Atlanta’s prospect cupboard is deep but not particularly talented, so it may be a while before they threaten .500 again.
Booze Equivalent: Malted barley soaked in hot water. It’s not booze yet, but it will be. 64 wins.