AHHHHHHHHH OPENING DAY’S COMING UP AND IF I DON’T FINISH THESE BOTH OF MY READERS WILL BE REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN ME!!!!!!!!
How’d I do in the Central last year?
|My Awesome Predictions||Stupid Reality|
|1||St. Louis||St. Louis|
No way! That right there is perfection, son. Yeah, I kind of can’t believe it either.
1. Chicago Cubs – If the Cubbies don’t win it all this year, they never will. Jason Heyward and John Lackey have joined an already strong core of Jake Arrieta, Jon Lester, Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, and about a zillion kids all getting ready to break out at exactly the same time. It’s fair to look at the back end of their rotation and their bullpen and worry a little bit that one or the other could cost them in the postseason, but come on; the Cubs are going to score a shit ton, and they’ve got more than enough assets in the old war chest to patch any holes that might threaten to derail their season.
Booze Equivalent: Your favorite craft beer served to you in a golden chalice by your celebrity crush in a tiny swimsuit on the deck of a mega yacht cruising the Caribbean. 105 wins.
2. St. Louis Cardinals (wild card) – I’ve read a few columns declaring this will likely be a down year for the Cardinals. Heyward and Lackey defected to their biggest rival. Yadier Molina and Matt Holliday are both even older than they were last year. Lance Lynn’s out with a TJ. Starting shortstop Jhonny Peralta already hurt himself. First base is kind of a mess. Here’s the thing about the Cardinals, though: they’ve obviously made a deal with the devil. Whether it’s rehabilitating a previously cooked veteran or turning a bunch of kids into viable major leaguers, they find a way. A down year for the Cardinals is like a good year for the Orioles.
Booze Equivalent: Your second favorite craft beer served to you in a pint glass by your work crush on the patio of a decent bar. 87 wins.
3. Pittsburgh Pirates – It’s sad, but I just don’t see the Pirates being particularly interesting this year. I worry their window is closing, that the mid-2010s Pirates are going to be a team we all cite as a great example of a team fell flat backwards on its ass because it wouldn’t spend jusssssssst a little bit more—especially in comparison to the way the Royals started spending when it became clear they had a solid core. The rise of the Cubs and the continued quality in St. Louis make Pittsburgh’s chances of winning without opening their wallets even slimmer.
Booze Equivalent: High end scotch served to you in a red Solo cup by someone that might be attractive after three or four beers. 84 wins.
4. Cincinnati Reds – And now the division falls off a cliff. Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, and Brandon Phillips are no joke. The rest of the roster? Kind of funny.
Booze Equivalent: Cheap swill served to you in a dirty glass by a loud townie with emphysema. 74 wins.
5. Milwaukee Brewers – If you’ve got more than two Brewers on your fantasy team, congratulations: you’re boned.
Booze Equivalent: Piss served to you in a rusty bucket by Ted Cruz in a secret fetish dungeon. 70 wins.