Shit I Don’t Understand, August 2012

I encounter a lot of things in my daily business that leave me scratching my head or wondering if we’d all be better off if we’d never evolved our so-called “advanced” intelligence. The following are some of those things.

I don’t understand why this bartender is so intent on having a jellyfish as a pet. Seems like about as much fun as having a pet rock–except you never have to worry about asking a friend to pee on a sting you received from your pet rock to neutralize the venom.

I don’t understand why no one has invented a specially angled mirror to assist people with muffin tops with ensuring they don’t spill out under their untucked shirts. Such a device would make the view from a subway seat a lot less offensive.

I don’t understand why Boston thinks it needs an Innovation Center, nor do I understand what the hell people would even do at such a place. Are we no longer allowed to have ideas in the North End or the Back Bay? And why am I picturing the Innovation Center as a big, bare room populated by a few dirty hipsters holding cardboard signs begging me to donate to their Kickstarter projects?

I don’t understand why the MBTA thinks it needs a mascot. Did fares go up to pay for this? Is it a plan to reduce customer service calls by giving us a walking avatar of the MBTA on which we can take out our frustrations? Are we all supposed to punch Charlie in the face when we get mad at the T’s shitty service? Is there any way we can get Charlie into a cage match with the Sebastian’s walking salad mascot?

I don’t understand why Snooki gave her son a relatively normal name. I was hoping for Smush-smush Martini or something equally as fun, and all I got was Lorenzo. If she’s going to pretend to be a real celebrity, damn it, she needs to name her children like she’s a real celebrity. The Jersey Shore producers must not have been allowed into the maternity ward.

I don’t understand why a lot of the politicians commenting on Senator Akin’s stupid remarks about rape felt the need to preface their comments with “As the father of two daughters…” To me, this construct implies that they wouldn’t give a crap if they didn’t have daughters, which makes them natural scumbags who wouldn’t have known better without female offspring. If that’s not the case, then that clause is unnecessary and their speech writers need to go back to fifth grade English. But they’re still all scumbags. Unless one of them wants to hire me to write speeches, because that guy would be awesome.


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