It’s almost Halloween, bitches! This time of year is really a trick-or-treat situation. On the one hand, all of the bars are about to be filled with people in funny/skanky/creative/okay-mostly-just-skanky costumes, and watching Slutty Raggedy Ann, Slutty Strawberry Shortcake, and Fat Dude Dressed as Tinkerbell make the walk of shame home the next morning is probably my favorite part of being an American. On the other hand, the day after Halloween marks the annual beginning of the ridiculous deluge of Christmas shit that makes me want to take a hair dryer to Frosty.
Luckily, I’m here to make your walk of shame extra special. If you’re going to stumble bleary-eyed through Davis Square in an inappropriate costume at 11 am, you might as well do it in style. Stand out in the bedraggled crowd with the following costume suggestions:
- Staple a bunch of flip flops to your long underwear, print out a shit ton of pictures of Jessica Biel and Natalie Portman and stick them in a binder, and head out dressed as Mitt Romney. Bonus points for adding a dash of Just for Men: A Touch of Gray to complete your look.
- Dress yourself completely in white. Cover your face, hair, arms, legs, feet, and hands. Everything. Then choose a random stranger out on the town–preferably someone dressed as a sheik or a camel or Princess Jasmine from Alladin–and circle that individual all night at an inconspicuous distance with your arms outstretched straight to either side. Everyone will love your predator drone costume!
- Put on a leather jacket and a bald skull cap. Stand around outside the bar and yell at the bouncers “I was a Navy SEAL and a governor! Why won’t you let me in?” until the cops come, then lead said cops on a merry chase around the block. Congratulations, you’re Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura.
- Sweatpants Boner Guy is always a hit on public transportation or in a crowded elevator. Just remember that erections that last longer than four hours need to be checked out by a doctor–although, that right there might make for an interesting couples costume…
- I’ve seen a lot of pictures of people dressed as Walt White or Jesse Pinkman, but people who really want to show their Breaking Bad cred dress as the RV, complete with a steady plume of noxious yellow gas. And sometimes, if their friends want to go elsewhere, they stay behind and make choking noises until someone jumps them with a hand-cranked generator.
What do all of these options have in common? Nothing. I’m an idiot.