An alternative to the NFL

The NFL sucks. We’ve been over this, but I need to reiterate for the sake of introduction. The games are boring, the presentation blows, the rules are stupid, and every team not named the Patriots appears to be working with some sort of mental handicap. I used to be a huge fan, but I’ve since divorced the league. After watching a few games over the holidays I’m more sure than ever that I made the right choice and I’m not missing anything.

I was discussing this suckitude with someone the other day and suggested that now would be a great time for a rival league to try to get rolling. I don’t hate the game of football, after all; I just hate the NFL. Maybe I’ve got the XFL on the brain because of that upcoming 30-for-30 documentary and one-day popup hall of fame. Whatever the reason…I’ve been thinking a lot about what that rival league might look like. I’m going to throw it all into a bulleted list.

I give you…the ScottFL.

  • It’s a spring/summer league. Competing head-to-head with the NFL, NBA, and NHL (ok, fine, really just those first two) would be kind of dumb. Providing an action-packed alternative to the dog days of summer baseball could be just the ticket.
  • It’s all about pace of play. Two twenty-minute halves, thirty-second play clock, two timeouts per half…and no fucking commercials. Seriously. The ScottFL will sell every inch of its teams’ uniforms, fields, and arenas to advertisers. No more sitting through the same six commercials seventeen thousand god damn mother fucking times every game.
  • No fucking kickers. Seriously. Kickers suck. They’re not even human. No field goals, no points after, and for the love of Christ no fucking punting. Get that shit all the way out of here. Situations that would otherwise involve a kickoff instead put the offensive team on their own two yard line.
  • Safeties—which are awesome and hilarious—are now worth three points.
  • The field is shorter. Fifty yards from goal line to goal line. Move it along, losers.
  • Penalties based on yardage and fresh downs are bullshit. We’re going NHL style. Holding? False start? Face mask? Get in the box for a couple minutes while your team plays a man down.
  • Breathing on a dude is no longer pass interference.
  • No former players on color commentary. They’re all insufferable dopes. I will end the ScottFL before I allow this particular rule to be broken.
  • A touchdown is still worth six.
  • A fat guy touchdown is worth seven.
  • The point after is replaced by a two-point conversion worth one point.
  • Fun and individuality will not be punished. Players can wear whatever they want on their shoes, gloves, and face masks. Cash prizes will be distributed weekly for best end zone dance, sack taunt, and coach tirade.
  • No Mannings. Ever.
  • All coaches must provide a high school diploma before hire and be able to pass randomly administered literacy tests.
  • Screw it. Fat guy touchdowns are worth ten points.

Unhappy with the Electoral College? Here’s an idea

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of the president-elect and that that’s putting it lightly. Unlike a lot of people who share my opinion, I haven’t been clamoring for changes to the electoral college. I’m not sure the electoral college is such a bad thing, primarily because I think it’s important not to marginalize the lesser populated states. Let’s face it: we’ve got a huge country to govern, and city life and country life are two very different beasts.

However, I do think we’re un-marginalizing those states a little too much. According to the last census (in 2010), the state of Wyoming has 560,000 people. They get three electoral votes. That’s one electoral vote for every 186,000-ish people. California, meanwhile, has 37 million people and 55 electoral votes. That’s one for every 670,000 people. That’s a pretty big difference. I hear Wyoming’s a wonderful place, but is giving its voters that much more power really necessary? It gets even worse when you consider the fact that both states send two senators each to Congress. Yes, I know the House of Representatives is supposed to balance out that last part, but come on they’re useless and everybody knows it.

“But Scott Colby!” you’re thinking. “That’s why I want to do away with the electoral college!” Or, alternately, you might be thinking “Waaaaaah waaaaaah waaaaah! Look at the silly liberal whining because his candidate lost! Go find a safe space you wuss!” First off, the electoral college isn’t the problem here. Second off, the entire world is my safe space bro so your ass had best hop in a rocket to the moon if you don’t want to be in it. Here’s where things go full Scott Colby: I don’t want to change the electoral college because I want to change the states.

I’ll give you a second to process that.

I know, right?!?!?

Historically, state boundaries have been determined by geographic features, railroad lines, and latitude and longitude. Why are we sticking with that? Modern technology means physical distance to your state capitol isn’t the problem it used to be. Don’t states exist to serve people, rather than land? Why haven’t I heard any talk of reexamining this ever? Sure, it would be a huge transition, but maybe it would be worth it. Splitting up heavily populated states like California and Texas would mean more representation for their residents and smaller, more functional state governments. Merging the Dakotas would increase the resources available to residents of those states. And combining all of New England together would mean we’re rid of Rhode Island and we might finally manage to civilize its savage denizens.

Yes, I understand that the distribution of electoral votes and seats in the house changes over time as state populations grow and decline, but man…this shit’s super unbalanced and it has been for quite a while now, and it’s likely to get worse as our overall population continues to increase. That census I’m getting my other numbers from shows urban growth (12.1%) outpacing the national rate of growth (9.7%). Barring a catastrophe that causes an immediate migration and means we’ve got much bigger problems than uneven representation, it’s not going to change any time soon—if ever. And I’m not looking to make the ratios perfect, mind you; somewhere around two-to-one or three-to-one sounds about right.

And before you get your Trump-brand knickers (complete with easy-access flaps for those with small hands) in a twist, remember: this works both ways. Vermont gets three electoral votes and two senators for its 630,000-ish residents. Twenty-five million Texans get 38 electoral votes and two senators. How in the blue hell can two senators properly represent 12.5 million people each?

I’m kind of amazed that I haven’t seen this idea bandied about elsewhere, at least as an intellectual exercise. There’s no way the state map would look the way it does if the United States were founded, say, yesterday. I’m particularly surprised that I haven’t seen a version of this discussed in California. Splitting Cally into multiple states would complicate several Tupac songs, but it would also make running the place a hell of a lot easier and give the state’s residents more power in the senate and in presidential elections.

I’m done now. Feel free to tell me how stupid I am, but do me a solid and at least think about it a little bit first. Usually it’s best to start at “bat shit insane and probably drunk” and work towards a realistic solution, which is what I’m doing here. Fifty stars looks a hell of a lot better on a flag than thirty-seven or sixty-three or whatever it would end up being, but times change and we need to at least entertain the idea of adjusting our existing institutions so they work well with our current situation.

Don’t forget to support my 2020 presidential campaign!

Let’s talk about fake news

Lately you can’t turn on the TV, browse the internet, or go hang out in your local townie bar without hearing about “fake news” and its influence on the election. It’s the go to topic for news outlets and hack jobs desperate for eyeballs and clicks (like me!). It’s good that we’re talking about this.

That said, Conspiracy Theorist Scott Colby is worried. We know that governments and various interest groups are capable of twisting national narratives for their own ends (and if you don’t know that, wisen up—powerful douche bags have been doing it forever). So…when’s the other shoe drop with this fake news stuff? Seriously. What outrageous bullshit perpetrated by someone or something important is about to be completely disregarded because we’re so focused on not falling for incorrect information?

Sure, I should probably take my tinfoil hat off. Likely any attempts to exploit the current discourse will be much less dramatic than what I’m rambling about. Thing is…it’s sort of already happening. Watch this. That’s Kellyanne Conway, the president-elect’s campaign manager, telling CNN her boss is going to continue working on The Apprentice while he’s in the White House.

And this was the Big Orange Blumpkin’s response on Twitter:

Think about this for a second. That is a downright impressive manipulation of the “fake news” phenomenon. I’m applauding even though I’m fucking disgusted. There was absolutely nothing phony about CNN’s report. A representative of the president-elect went on TV and provided information that turned out to be incorrect, and the vehicle that did nothing but communicate that representative’s words gets thrown under the bus—and people are going to believe that because “ohhhhh fake news is everywhere!” and think even less of the media. What a heel move. Get this guy some tights and get him (back) in the ring.

And I wonder…did the incoming administration just set up CNN? Sure, it’s possible Conway had bad information even though she’s a high-ranking, integral part of the operation that’s supposed to make sure she’s on message at all times. It’s also possible that the president-elect fully intended to continue working on The Apprentice and was caught off guard by the backlash. But man, doesn’t this feel almost like a beta test of sorts for exploiting the fake news thing? I’m not accusing them of anything and I have no evidence, but think about it. Fine. I’ll take my tinfoil hat off again. I’m sorry. I keep putting it back on because it makes me look positively dashing.

My point, I guess, is that it’s more important than ever to use your head. Don’t believe everything everyone tells you, but don’t automatically disbelieve it, either. “But Scott Colby!” I can hear you whining from under the covers to which you’ve retreated. “That’s hard! Can’t I just pick one and always do that!” Nope. Sorry, pumpkin. If you want to understand the world and participate well in it, you’ve got to put the work in.

WWE’s Linda McMahon to head Small Business Administration

Because apparently running a global, multi-billion dollar company that’s essentially a monopoly makes you an expert on small business. Makes perfect sense.

Putting Linda McMahon in charge of small business is like…putting Charlotte Flair—who slapped the stylin’ and profilin’ straight out of her father, Ric Flair, on Raw this week—in charge of family initiatives.

Or putting the New Day in charge of the Food and Drug Administration because they came out of a giant cereal box at Wrestlemania.

Or putting Broken Matt Hardy in charge of Predator strikes because he’s got a little drone buddy.

Or putting Santino Marella in his Santina “Miss Wrestlemania” gear and tasking him with advocating for women.

Or asking Seth Rollins to rebuild the nation’s infrastructure because he’s the architect of the Shield.

Or making Roman Reigns your speech writer.

Or making the Miz your ambassador to France because he’s married to a French Canadian. Yes, he’s awesome. It doesn’t matter.

Or making Finn Balor Secretary of Transportation because he used to ride another wrestler to the ring in Japan.

I could go on and on and on, but you get the point. Like most other things the Big Orange Blumpkin does, the McMahon appointment doesn’t make a whole heck of a lot of sense. Yes, she’s successful and she seems like a good person, but come on. Is a subject matter expert too much to ask for? And if you voted for that terd gobbler, remember: you brought the pending storm of half-assed Scott Colby blog posts bitching about him upon yourselves. May God have mercy on your souls.

Shit I’m thankful for, I guess

I’m thankful that fart sniffer lost the popular vote. Remember: that dick wagon doesn’t have anything remotely resembling a mandate and even some of the people who voted for him think he’s a frickin’ dink. Which is good, because he is, and when I’m done with Thanksgiving break I’m going to challenge him to an arm wrestling match for the presidency via Twitter. That’s not a joke. And I’m going to bring Rick and Scotty Steiner with me as backup in case Mike Pence tries to hit me in the back with a chair right as I’m about to get the win.

I’m thankful for that one day a month Boston’s subway system gets me home on time. It’s a magical feeling, like I somehow got away with something I really shouldn’t have.

I’m thankful for the happy whale theme I’ve applied to my Office 365, primarily because it confuses the shit out of people who see it.

I’m thankful for the weirdos, scumbags, and losers who hang out in shitty dive bars. I couldn’t do it without you guys. In a similar vein, I’m also thankful for Dunkin breakfast sandwiches and Gatorade.

I’m thankful to have my Sundays back. I don’t miss the NFL at all. Going to the grocery store during a Patriots game is better than going to the grocery store pretty much any other time ever. I don’t want to jinx it, but…things are getting hot and heavy with my new love, the NHL.

I’m thankful for the gym farts, because those things are hilarious. One of these days I’m going to fart, laugh, and drop something heavy right on my face. And then I’m going to laugh again because I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m really thankful I never have to set foot in a fucking Wal-Mart.

I’m indescribably thankful for @big_ben_clock every time it shows up in my Twitter feed.

I’m thankful for the Final Deletion and everything Matt and Jeff Hardy have done since.

Last but not least, I’m thankful for Buy Scott Colby’s Stupid Fucking Books Sunday. You’ve never heard of that? It’s the day after Black Friday and Small Business Saturday. Now, I can’t promise anything, but reading my books might help you cyber on Monday.

I’ve divorced the NFL

I got Sundays and my sanity back. It got to keep all the idiots, crappy rules, and fucking Mannings.

For most of my life I’ve been a diehard Patriots fan and a devotee of the National Football League in general. I watched several games a weekend and almost never missed a playoff game. This year, I watched a couple halves in week one and a few plays out of the corner of my eye while watching the NLCS in the bar the other day. Over the last few seasons the sport I used to love gradually morphed into something I despised. I got sick of it. Watching the NFL became a chore, an exercise in frustration that just wasn’t fun anymore. Turns out I’m not the only one who gave it up; I’ve noticed multiple headlines lately mentioning that viewership is in decline. I can’t speak for others who’ve abandoned the game, but I’ve got multiple reasons for dumping football.

  • The presentation blows. Score. Commercial. Kick. Commercial. Timeout. Commercial. Does that sound like fun to you? Now add in a bunch of talking heads who are basically living proof that a career in football royally fucks with your brain. No thanks. I would rather listen to Jerry Remy and special guest Charlie Moore talk about washing their cars for three innings straight than ever hear another single word from Troy Aikman, Ray Lewis, or Phil Simms.
  • The rules are getting ridiculous. Two guys dance and high five after making a big play. Flag. Fifteen yards and a first down, and if they dare to have anything resembling fun during a that game again they’re tossed. Take that bullshit and shove it all the way up your ass, NFL. I’m all for new rules to protect the players, but the penalties involved have too big of an influence on individual games. And pass interference is the biggest bullshit call in all of sports.
  • The focus on quarterbacks is stupid. The Denver Broncos just won the Superbowl with an all-world defense, a solid running game, and the statistically worst quarterback play in the league. Fuck, Jay fucking Cutler’s been to the god damn playoffs multiple times. Nobody blows bigger sweatier goat balls than Jay Cutler. Getting all excited because a scrub like Ryan Tannehill threw 4000 yards is absurd. 4000’s the new 2000, bro. Football’s a team game, perhaps more so than any of the other major American sports. Cut the shit.
  • Most teams are stupid. I’m convinced Bill Belichick isn’t actually a football genius; he’s just a guy of average intelligence surrounded by competition that usually can’t tie its own shoes. Sam freaking Bradford’s been traded for multiple high draft picks. Coaches routinely blow timeouts, fuck up challenges, and wuss out on fourth-and-short situations logic dictates they should absolutely go for. Teams repeatedly attempt to force players into their precious systems rather than adapting their game plans to maximize their players’ strengths, which is just dumb. It’s amazing—and incredibly frustrating.
  • The league is full of scumbags. For the record, I don’t think it’s the NFL’s job to punish its employees for off-field criminal activity; that’s why we have a justice system. However…holy shit, I really can’t deal with the ginormous collection of butt munches playing professional football. Where in the hell do all these cock rockets come from and why do they think it’s ok to be the way they are? Jesus Christ.
  • Commissioner Goodell’s a terd. Flat out.

So yeah. It’s over between me and the NFL, at least until some of the above changes. It probably won’t. I’ve got a new love in my life, however, at least while baseball’s on vacation: hockey. We’ve always been friends, but now romance is finally blossoming. Ah, the sweetness of new love!

How are the Red Sox going to blow it this time?

The Boston Red Sox have won 11 baseball games in a row and sit six games ahead of their closest competition for the AL East crown. They’ve clinched a playoff spot. They look good, they’re peaking at the right time, and they seem to have mostly gotten over that whole “our pitching sucks” problem they had earlier in the year. They’re a contender.

Except they’re the Red Sox, so they’re going to fuck it up. It’s what they do. They set high expectations and then vomit all over them in spectacular fashion. To those of you thinking I’m too much of a Negative Nellie, I ask you: have you looked at the god damn roster? It’s so combustible it started five separate wildfires in Cali last time they visited the Angels. Shit’s going down in October (or maybe November) and it’s going to be some Maury-level “Neither of you is the father!” drama. Let’s go over the most likely culprits behind this pending baseball arson.

The Price is wrong

The Red Sox gave David Price roughly a bazillion trillion and twelve dollars so all the locals would stop complaining about their lack of an ace. This is a guy with a 3.20 ERA in 251 Major League appearances. He’s at 3.95 this season, but his peripherals suggest he’s pitched better than that number and he’s had a little bit of bad luck. He’s a 5.12 in the postseason. He made four playoff starts for Toronto last year and gave up at least three runs in each. You can’t say he had a really ace-like postseason since that time the Rays made the World Series. Betting on Price to go kablooey on a cold fall evening in Fenway seems smart. Odds: 3-1.

Hanley being Hanley

Hanley Ramirez has been almost too well-behaved this year. He lost weight, learned to play a decent first base, and generally kept his act together despite his inability to find a god damn helmet that fits. Still. He’s kind of an adventure with pop flies. He’s never seen a borderline strike he agreed with and he likes to talk to the umpires about it. The Baseball Writers of America voted him Most Likely to Charge the Mound and Drop the Pitcher with a Shining Wizard. Fine, I made that last one up, but can’t you totally see it happening? Odds: 5-1

Big smelly Butthole

Sure, things would have to be going pretty badly for Clay Butthole to end up in a high leverage spot, but I couldn’t leave him out. Butthole’s been pitching better since he cut his stupid hair, but like the team in general, he’s setting us up. If Farrell turns to Suckholz in the thirteenth inning of a tie game in a close series I’m frickin’ going to bed. Odds: 4-1

David Ortiz can’t run

Ding ding ding, I think we have a winner! David Ortiz is a hell of a ballplayer. He’s forty years old and somehow OPS-ing 1.038 even though he really can’t run at all anymore. And that’s the problem. Balls down the line or in the gap that should be doubles end up as singles or outs at second because his myriad injuries have sapped what little speed he has. I can picture it now: Ortiz leads off the bottom of the ninth with the Sox down two and a man on second. He hits a frozen rope into the right field corner. The runner scores, but Papi either holds at first, the next batter hits a single, then the two after that strike out, or he tries too hard for second and gets thrown out by a mile. Watching one of the most beloved Red Sox players ever end his career in the middle of a “He cost us the series!” shit storm is the worst possible way this season could conclude, so that’s what’s most likely to go down. Odds: 2-1

Honorable mention: Eduardo Rodriguez making sure everyone in the stadium knows what he’s about to throw; Mookie Betts blowing out his ACL during an outfield victory dance; Robbie Ross; Craig Kimbrel discovering the last few molecules of that bacteria that wrecked Daniel Bard in the clubhouse shower.