Inaugurate this

On Friday, Donald J. Trump was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States. If you had told me even six months ago I’d be typing that sentence, I would’ve handed you a twenty and suggested you think about ditching the crack.

It was a dark, dreary, spectacularly ominous day in DC. The mall looked pretty empty. Former Presidents Clinton, Bush the second, and Carter were all in attendance. Slick Willy may have gotten caught staring at Melania or Ivanka. W got bested by a rain poncho. Outgoing president Barack Obama appeared pensive, like his mind was whirring a mile a minute as he processed it all from every possible angle. In between benevolent plastic smiles, Hillary looked ready to shank someone. Vice President Mike Pence sported his usual “I just sharted my pants and I’m trying to figure out how long I can get away with not changing them” expression. Politics as usual.

What was absolutely not normal, however, was President The Donald’s speech. If you woke up from a coma and that was the first thing you saw, you’d think America had become a hellish dystopian wasteland ruled by gangs, crime, drugs, and evil bastards demanding you tithe your first born lest you face the lash. That’s not any America I know. We’ve got our problems for sure, and certain areas could use some help catching up, but we are absolutely trending in the right direction. We have been for a while now.

I also find it interesting that if you take his speech and replace every negative reference to “the establishment” or “the government,” with “the 1%” or “the business elite,” large portions of it become super spot-on. If we assume that a key goal of his platform is to twist populism into protecting billionaires like himself and his pals from a rising tide of frustrated Americans (and I absolutely do), then this is a masterful job of manipulation and deflection.

Also, I learned that his middle initial, J, stands for John. Not Jonathan or Johnathan or the like. Just John. It’s irrelevant, but I still find it odd.

I’ll give him this, though: standing up there and telling all the representatives, senators, governors, and former presidents surrounding him that they’re horrible at their jobs took some serious balls. Kudos to the former presidents for sitting through it with dignity, or at least what passes for it when you get caught ogling another man’s wife or you lose a hard-fought battle to a sheet of plastic. I can’t picture the current president doing the same were the roles reversed (other than the leering, of course).

It gets weirder. Remember that relatively empty mall I mentioned? Various outlets have reported attendance to be lower than both of Obama’s inaugurations. The White House, however, sent deer-in-the-headlights Press Secretary Sean Spicer out to the press conference podium to refute those reports in a manner that can only be described as “they’ve got my family suspended above a pool of hungry sharks.” Seriously. Watch this. It’s nuts.

Shit like that is what makes people think the president’s a dictator-in-training. It’s evidence of a deranged, narcissistic personality that can’t handle any sort of criticism or perceived loss. His pathological need to be the best at everything is absolutely going to fuck the rest of us somehow—and this, above and beyond anything else, is why I’ve spent so much time rambling against him. The Trump brand itself, which is based on always winning, may be his single biggest conflict of interest.

Had the White House left the attendance thing alone, talk of it would’ve fizzled out in a day or two. Immaturely poking it in the eye with a stick just made it immortal (author’s note: please don’t stab your eye in an attempt to make yourself live forever). All it would’ve taken to wipe it away was a quick, genuine “Welp, I’ll give more people a reason to come to my next one!” Problem solved! Now you’ve taken a perceived weakness and turned it into an admirable goal, efficiently and positively.

But nope. Dude just can’t handle his shit, especially when Obama’s involved. Guaranteed he had his aides digging through every nook and cranny of the White House just in case Barack forgot to grab his secret Kenyan birth certificate out of its hiding place. Pssssssssssst: it’s in a waterproof bag in the toilet. No, further down the drain. Further. Keep going. Get a snorkel. And it’s magically sealed so only a POTUS can touch it. Get in there, Donnie!

Can’t wait to see how he pegs attendance at the women’s marches as “like 20,000 or so.” I went. I’ll have thoughts on that tomorrow once I’ve processed it all.

Thanks, Obama

Judging a president’s term in office is a monumental task. Trying to break it all down into a single grade, sentence, or soundbite really does no justice to the enormity of the job, but we writers have to try anyway. Think about the sheer size of the United States, and the diversity of its people, and how quickly lives can change, and the way it all interacts with the rest of the world—and then think about being in a position where you’ve got a ton of power over all of that. Makes your head spin, right? Give me a second to pick myself up off the floor.

But seriously. How do you do it? You can’t boil it all down to a number like sabermetricians do with baseball players. There’s no Value Over Replacement President (although—nerd alert—I would read and share the shit out of an article that tried to establish that metric). How do you judge whether inaction in Syria outweighs the benefits of expanded health insurance? How do you balance the scales between the expansion of government surveillance and the stimulus package that helped bring us out of the recession? You kind of can’t, in part because you’re comparing apples to oranges and in part because we still don’t know how such decisions are going to effect us longterm. Some parts of our lives are better than they were eight years ago. Some parts are worse. Trying to tally it all up is silly.

But the nation is still standing. The United States of America is still the world’s preeminent superpower and our enemies and rivals hate us cuz they ain’t us. You and me and everybody else still has a shot to make something more of ourselves. Maybe that sounds like I’m setting the bar pretty low, but there are a zillion ways this thing we built could all unravel. It didn’t, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to any time soon. George W, the only other president I can remember really well, left us in a big steaming cloud of uncertainty. Obama’s leaving us with hope for a bright future (yes, even despite all the bullshit the Trumpalumps are trying to pull). In that regard, I’d say he did a fine job.

There’s one more thing that’s even harder to quantify that I think will lead us to look back on Obama’s presidency as a great success: that is one inspirational dude. If you look at this guy and don’t get a little warm and fuzzy because he’s a great human being, your heart’s either made of stone or you seriously need to lay off the conservative Kool-Aid and see a doctor immediately. He’s a rare combination of patience, thoughtfulness, and dignity that we should all strive to emulate, regardless of our political beliefs. He’s just a good dude. Fuck, he even makes me want to be less of an asshole. His rise to the presidency proved that nice guys don’t always finish last, that racism and prejudice can be overcome, and the legions of young people he’s inspired will likely grow up to do great things. Some are concerned for Obama’s legacy as the Republicans gear up to tear down his work, but they can’t ever touch his real legacy—that positive spirit he instilled in so many—and their obsession with wiping him away might actually add even more fuel to that fire.

Some Americans look back at the last eight years and wonder where all the hope and change is. It’s coming; it’s just a slower burn than we thought it would be. Thanks, Obama. For reals. If you’re ever in town I’ll buy you a beer and a couple games of Keno.

How I’m protesting the Donald

March if you want to. I’ve got a better plan.

In light of yesterday’s leaked intelligence report alleging the president-elect is a Russian stooge who once rented a hotel room previously used by the Obamas and hired a gaggle of local “talent” to perform a golden shower show on the bed as a means of defiling it, I’m going to rent a hotel room the Donald previously stayed in, Febreeze the piss out of the bed, get under the covers, and…

  • Buy a Tesla and some solar panels.
  • Order tacos and leave the room’s door wide open so room service can stroll right in.
  • Eat fried chicken with my bare hands.
  • Browse OkCupid for a strong, professional woman and send her a nice polite message.
  • Properly sell a Stone Cold Stunner delivered by housekeeping.
  • Start a union.
  • Watch It’s Complicated.
  • Kick Planned Parenthood a few bucks.
  • Fire up Command and Conquer: Red Alert on my laptop and kick some Russian tail.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW DO YA LIKE THAT, DONNIE!?!? U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

(Oh God, I’m going to get itches in my nether regions, aren’t I?)

On Watersportsgate

Hoooooooooooooo boy. Ever read so many hilarious Twitter jokes that you wake up feeling somewhat hungover the next morning even though you didn’t touch a drop of booze? Yeah, that’s me right now.

Yesterday, CNN reported on a cache of documents claiming that the Big DT is in bed with the Russians. Buzzfeed released those documents not long after. Turns out that whole “in bed” part is both literal and figurative; the most fun section of the report claims the president-elect went to Russia to stay in a room previously used by the Obamas and hired a bunch of local talent to perform a water sports show on the very bed the first couple slept in. The more important part alleges the Russians have been developing the guy as an asset of sorts with which to disrupt the west and that they’ve got plenty of blackmail-worthy information on him. The report was supposedly developed by an ex-MI6 agent in good standing with the intelligence community and his sources have been deemed trustworthy. This thing’s been circulating for a while now; Mother Jones reported on it briefly a few months ago, John McCain himself brought it to the FBI (turns out the FBI already had its own copy), and both the president-elect and President Obama have been briefed on it.

It should be noted that none of the information in this report has proven legit. And, quite frankly, Buzzfeed crossed an important journalistic line by releasing these documents without first verifying them. When shit like this is proven false it makes it even easier for people to dismiss the media. Transparency is a fine goal, but it’s also a goal we need to address responsibly. Many people are more than willing to act on incomplete information. That’s not a good thing.

How amazing it, though, that so many of us can read these claims and say “yeah, sounds like our new president!” I mean, Jesus. This stuff hit the public on the very same day that President Obama delivered a dignified, sincere home run of a farewell address. The contrast between the man moving out and the greasy gutter slug moving in is off the damn charts.

Try to imagine President Obama doing any of this stuff. Or W. Or Slick Willy (ok, yeah, some of it). Or Poppy Bush. Or Ronald Reagan. Or Carter or Ford or Nixon and so on and so forth. You can’t, can you? Despite their flaws, they were all dignified, sincere Americans. But with the Donald, it’s almost expected. It’s amazing. I’ve written before about how I understand the reasons people voted for him but I can’t translate those reasons into “welp, gotta vote for that guy!” This morning, my problem’s even bigger. With any other president I could’ve easily dismissed these allegations offhand. With this dude? Nope. I can totally see it. You can tell me that’s just my cuckolded libtard bias talking, but keep in mind that the left aren’t the only people who think this dude’s a monster.

And if I can put my tinfoil hat on for a paragraph, maybe that’s all part of the Big Orange Plan. Not this report, exactly, but the idea that making the public accept he’s a horrible person might make us shrug off future scandals as just business as usual. It’s like a Teflon coating made of pure, liquified garbage, or like that improved alcohol tolerance you develop when you go out every night of the week. It would be kind of brilliant in its own disgusting way.

I’m not calling for the president-elect to lose his new job. Doing so before we’ve got confirmed proof of his alleged Russian connections would be irresponsible and wrong. What I am asking, and what the whole point of this post is, is that we all pay very close attention to this story. It’s one of two very important things. Either it’s a smoking gun proving the president-elect isn’t fit for the office to which he’s been elected, or it’s a warning that we need to be very, very careful when assessing information related to his activities. And if it’s the latter, the free press may want to look out.

Have fun explaining the term “golden shower” to your parents and grandparents!

Bursting the bubble

I’m still trying to make sense of that weird ass presidential election. I understand the reasons why people voted the way they did, but I still don’t understand how being concerned about the economy, worrying about national security, being fed up with government bullshit, not liking Hillary Clinton, or feeling like the nation is leaving you behind translates into “I have to vote for the unstable orange scumbag with zero political experience who’s spent his entire life fucking over the little guy.” I can see the dots, but I can’t connect them. I want to, so I think about it a lot.

(And no, that doesn’t mean I think all of his voters are stupid and/or racist, because that is flat out not true.)

One of the things I keep coming back to is the idea that coastal elites like yours truly don’t understand the way Middle America voted because we live in a bubble. It’s bothering me. Let me tell you something right now, Middle America: you’re right. We coastal elites do live in a bubble. So do you. Every single one of us lives in his or her own bubble. We’ve got a sphere of influence and a sphere of influencers, and where those overlap—boom, bubble. The sizes of our bubbles are limited by tangible factors like distance, time, and available soap (that’s only kind of a joke—no one wants to be in your bubble if you fucking smell). We can only process so much information in a given day. Our bubbles are, essentially, our experiences, and they’re necessarily limited because none of us can do everything or be everywhere at all times. Our bubbles absolutely influence our votes, because our bubbles are us.

“But Scott Colby!” you say. “Enough half-assed philosophy! My bubble is full of real Americans!” Oh. Oh, wait. Shit. Welp, ya got me. I don’t know what I was thinking. Was I even thinking? Now I’m not sure. How could I have been so shortsighted? College really didn’t teach me anything, now did it? Poopies.

Insert an eye roll emoji here. Assuming there is one. There aren’t a ton of emojis in my bubble.

Any time someone claims to be a “real” whatever it’s due to a deep insecurity about their place in the pecking order of that whatever. Real Americans. Real men. Real women. Hell, I only think of myself as a real Red Sox fan because SERIOUSLY CUT THE SHIT WITH THIS WALLY GARBAGE AND GARY STREIWSDSKAIY TALKING ABOUT HIS SHOES AND SHOW SOME BASEBALL YOU’RE LEAVING ME BEHIND NESN GOD DAMN IT!!! The whole real Americans thing is absolutely due to feelings of being ignored and marginalized. “Real” is a defense mechanism, not a meaningful category.

As I wrote before in a post outlining my cockamamie scheme to rethink the states, urban life and rural life are very different from each other and both need to be represented in our government. Flat out. We’re all in this together, and the combination of our two experiences should result in a better everything for everybody.

Which means we—and by “we,” I mean both sides of the aisle—need to stop relying on bullshit like “they live in a bubble!” The biggest tragedy of this election (if you remove my personal biases) is the way big important issues were constantly reduced to useless bullshit soundbites repeated ad nauseam in the media and in daily conversation. Russia didn’t “hack the election;” they infiltrated the computer systems of one of the political parties involved and exposed damaging information about that party to the world at large via a series of shady go-betweens with the end goal of influencing American voters. Look at how much more useful and informative and interesting that is! Look at how it gets us to a place where we can start examining and thinking about both what happened and what the repercussions are going forward! Look at how it sets us up to better judge the impact of those events. Jeez, that’s nice. Fucking sweet.

So cut the shit with the bubble talk. We’ve all got one, and using “you live in a bubble!” to explain the culture divide in either direction does no justice to just how different our experiences are. We’ll never get anywhere if we keep relying on that sort of bullshit to prove points and end arguments.

An alternative to the NFL

The NFL sucks. We’ve been over this, but I need to reiterate for the sake of introduction. The games are boring, the presentation blows, the rules are stupid, and every team not named the Patriots appears to be working with some sort of mental handicap. I used to be a huge fan, but I’ve since divorced the league. After watching a few games over the holidays I’m more sure than ever that I made the right choice and I’m not missing anything.

I was discussing this suckitude with someone the other day and suggested that now would be a great time for a rival league to try to get rolling. I don’t hate the game of football, after all; I just hate the NFL. Maybe I’ve got the XFL on the brain because of that upcoming 30-for-30 documentary and one-day popup hall of fame. Whatever the reason…I’ve been thinking a lot about what that rival league might look like. I’m going to throw it all into a bulleted list.

I give you…the ScottFL.

  • It’s a spring/summer league. Competing head-to-head with the NFL, NBA, and NHL (ok, fine, really just those first two) would be kind of dumb. Providing an action-packed alternative to the dog days of summer baseball could be just the ticket.
  • It’s all about pace of play. Two twenty-minute halves, thirty-second play clock, two timeouts per half…and no fucking commercials. Seriously. The ScottFL will sell every inch of its teams’ uniforms, fields, and arenas to advertisers. No more sitting through the same six commercials seventeen thousand god damn mother fucking times every game.
  • No fucking kickers. Seriously. Kickers suck. They’re not even human. No field goals, no points after, and for the love of Christ no fucking punting. Get that shit all the way out of here. Situations that would otherwise involve a kickoff instead put the offensive team on their own two yard line.
  • Safeties—which are awesome and hilarious—are now worth three points.
  • The field is shorter. Fifty yards from goal line to goal line. Move it along, losers.
  • Penalties based on yardage and fresh downs are bullshit. We’re going NHL style. Holding? False start? Face mask? Get in the box for a couple minutes while your team plays a man down.
  • Breathing on a dude is no longer pass interference.
  • No former players on color commentary. They’re all insufferable dopes. I will end the ScottFL before I allow this particular rule to be broken.
  • A touchdown is still worth six.
  • A fat guy touchdown is worth seven.
  • The point after is replaced by a two-point conversion worth one point.
  • Fun and individuality will not be punished. Players can wear whatever they want on their shoes, gloves, and face masks. Cash prizes will be distributed weekly for best end zone dance, sack taunt, and coach tirade.
  • No Mannings. Ever.
  • All coaches must provide a high school diploma before hire and be able to pass randomly administered literacy tests.
  • Screw it. Fat guy touchdowns are worth ten points.

Unhappy with the Electoral College? Here’s an idea

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of the president-elect and that that’s putting it lightly. Unlike a lot of people who share my opinion, I haven’t been clamoring for changes to the electoral college. I’m not sure the electoral college is such a bad thing, primarily because I think it’s important not to marginalize the lesser populated states. Let’s face it: we’ve got a huge country to govern, and city life and country life are two very different beasts.

However, I do think we’re un-marginalizing those states a little too much. According to the last census (in 2010), the state of Wyoming has 560,000 people. They get three electoral votes. That’s one electoral vote for every 186,000-ish people. California, meanwhile, has 37 million people and 55 electoral votes. That’s one for every 670,000 people. That’s a pretty big difference. I hear Wyoming’s a wonderful place, but is giving its voters that much more power really necessary? It gets even worse when you consider the fact that both states send two senators each to Congress. Yes, I know the House of Representatives is supposed to balance out that last part, but come on they’re useless and everybody knows it.

“But Scott Colby!” you’re thinking. “That’s why I want to do away with the electoral college!” Or, alternately, you might be thinking “Waaaaaah waaaaaah waaaaah! Look at the silly liberal whining because his candidate lost! Go find a safe space you wuss!” First off, the electoral college isn’t the problem here. Second off, the entire world is my safe space bro so your ass had best hop in a rocket to the moon if you don’t want to be in it. Here’s where things go full Scott Colby: I don’t want to change the electoral college because I want to change the states.

I’ll give you a second to process that.

I know, right?!?!?

Historically, state boundaries have been determined by geographic features, railroad lines, and latitude and longitude. Why are we sticking with that? Modern technology means physical distance to your state capitol isn’t the problem it used to be. Don’t states exist to serve people, rather than land? Why haven’t I heard any talk of reexamining this ever? Sure, it would be a huge transition, but maybe it would be worth it. Splitting up heavily populated states like California and Texas would mean more representation for their residents and smaller, more functional state governments. Merging the Dakotas would increase the resources available to residents of those states. And combining all of New England together would mean we’re rid of Rhode Island and we might finally manage to civilize its savage denizens.

Yes, I understand that the distribution of electoral votes and seats in the house changes over time as state populations grow and decline, but man…this shit’s super unbalanced and it has been for quite a while now, and it’s likely to get worse as our overall population continues to increase. That census I’m getting my other numbers from shows urban growth (12.1%) outpacing the national rate of growth (9.7%). Barring a catastrophe that causes an immediate migration and means we’ve got much bigger problems than uneven representation, it’s not going to change any time soon—if ever. And I’m not looking to make the ratios perfect, mind you; somewhere around two-to-one or three-to-one sounds about right.

And before you get your Trump-brand knickers (complete with easy-access flaps for those with small hands) in a twist, remember: this works both ways. Vermont gets three electoral votes and two senators for its 630,000-ish residents. Twenty-five million Texans get 38 electoral votes and two senators. How in the blue hell can two senators properly represent 12.5 million people each?

I’m kind of amazed that I haven’t seen this idea bandied about elsewhere, at least as an intellectual exercise. There’s no way the state map would look the way it does if the United States were founded, say, yesterday. I’m particularly surprised that I haven’t seen a version of this discussed in California. Splitting Cally into multiple states would complicate several Tupac songs, but it would also make running the place a hell of a lot easier and give the state’s residents more power in the senate and in presidential elections.

I’m done now. Feel free to tell me how stupid I am, but do me a solid and at least think about it a little bit first. Usually it’s best to start at “bat shit insane and probably drunk” and work towards a realistic solution, which is what I’m doing here. Fifty stars looks a hell of a lot better on a flag than thirty-seven or sixty-three or whatever it would end up being, but times change and we need to at least entertain the idea of adjusting our existing institutions so they work well with our current situation.

Don’t forget to support my 2020 presidential campaign!