I’m going to just lump the entire NFC together. Got to get this shit done, yo.
1. Philadelphia Eagles – Last season’s supposed super team fell flat on its face. Football’s a game where players and coaches need time to get used to each other; that’s one of the reason you see so few player-for-player trades in the NFL. The Eagles have had a year to get to know each other. If Michael Vick manages to stay on the field, look out.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Eve Torres. The WWE Diva didn’t do much for me last year, but now that she’s putting some stank on everything she does because she’s evil…yowza.
2. Dallas Cowboys (wildcard) – Perennial underachievers, the Cowboys probably don’t have much time left to get their shit together before owner Jerry Jones blows things up. Tony Romo catches a lot more flack than he deserves; don’t tell me there aren’t twenty other teams in the league that wouldn’t love to have him. This is the year Big D finally makes a little playoff run.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Chelsea Handler. One of my favorites, and I don’t care what you say about it.
3. New York Giants – I’ve got a lot of respect for the G-Men–except for their goofy-ass quarterback–and they did a hell of a job winning a tough division. It’s tough to catch that kind of lightning in a bottle two years in a row, especially when you’ve got a secondary recruited from the local soup kitchen.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Olivia Munn. Wouldn’t be surprised to find her leading an important show on network TV. Also wouldn’t be surprised to find her on Skinemax next year.
4. Washington Redskins – Poor Robert Griffin III. He’s got no defense and no one to whom to throw the ball. Sounds lonely.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Jenny McCarthy. Wrong about so many things that seem so simple.
1. Green Bay Packers – The only thing that could stop the Pack from winning this division is an asteroid strike to Lambeau Field–or maybe BJ Raji accidentally sitting on Aaron Rodgers’s throwing arm.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Kate Beckinsale. There’s nobody better.
2. Chicago Bears (wildcard) – An excellent all-around team with quality skill players, a stout defense, and a quarterback that’s probably good enough if the media leaves him alone. But they’re not the Packers.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Jessica Biel. Great in her own right, but she’s no Kate Beckinsale. Watch the new Total Recall if you don’t believe me. Nine-out-of-ten heterosexual adult males would prefer to receive a Total Recall-style sliding-crotch-to-the-face from Beckinsale.
3. Detroit Lions – I trust this team to stay under control and out of trouble about as much as I trust an American who says he can Gangnam Style. They’re talented, but they need to grow up.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Amanda Bynes. Three traffic accidents this year mean I don’t want to get in the car with her.
4. Minnesota Vikings – Who cares?
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Honey Boo Boo Child.
1. Atlanta Falcons – The most boring good team in the league might suddenly become entertaining thanks to receiver Julio Jones and a new no-huddle offense. Matty Ice’s boys are still screwed in the playoffs, though.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Anne Hathaway. Always in the conversation, but not quite elite.
2. Carolina Panthers – Great defense, but I don’t trust Cam and that offense yet. 9-7 isn’t out of the question, but that’s not good enough to make the playoffs in the loaded NFC.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Emma Stone. Ready to take the league by storm…next year.
3. New Orleans Saints – Too much drama. Too many missing coaches and players. Sad.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Mrs. Dog the Bounty Hunter.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – All they’re missing from their good old days of constant suck are orange pants and Bucco Bruce. They spent some money this offseason–but they spent it on the likes of Vincent Jackson. You can get a slightly above average receiver for a lot cheaper in the third round of the draft.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Keira Knightley’s Pirates of the Caribbean stunt-double. They dress like a good Bucs team, but they are not a good Bucs team.
1. San Francisco 49ers – Not the 13-3 juggernaut they were last year thanks to a tougher schedule and the proclivity of vastly improved teams to come back down to earth. In the NFC West, 9-7’s all it takes.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Megan Fox. Overrated, but a big run isn’t out of the question.
2. Seattle Seahawks – I hate Pete Carroll. I kind of like both Russell Wilson and Matt Flynn. I’m conflicted. Smells like 8-8.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Laura Prepon. Just kind of there.
3. St. Louis Rams – Over/under on the first story questioning the Rams’ decision to trade the second pick that became RG3: 4 weeks. I’ll take the under.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lindsay Lohan. Kind of interesting from a distance until you realize she’s going to steal everything in your house.
4. Arizona Cardinals – Choosing between John Skelton and Kevin Kolb is like picking which one of your nuts you’d like to put in a vise. Ken Whisenhunt’s the first coaching casualty, sometime around week 7.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Your choice of Bayou Billionaire.
Superbowl: Green Bay over Houston.