I’ve divorced the NFL

I got Sundays and my sanity back. It got to keep all the idiots, crappy rules, and fucking Mannings.

For most of my life I’ve been a diehard Patriots fan and a devotee of the National Football League in general. I watched several games a weekend and almost never missed a playoff game. This year, I watched a couple halves in week one and a few plays out of the corner of my eye while watching the NLCS in the bar the other day. Over the last few seasons the sport I used to love gradually morphed into something I despised. I got sick of it. Watching the NFL became a chore, an exercise in frustration that just wasn’t fun anymore. Turns out I’m not the only one who gave it up; I’ve noticed multiple headlines lately mentioning that viewership is in decline. I can’t speak for others who’ve abandoned the game, but I’ve got multiple reasons for dumping football.

  • The presentation blows. Score. Commercial. Kick. Commercial. Timeout. Commercial. Does that sound like fun to you? Now add in a bunch of talking heads who are basically living proof that a career in football royally fucks with your brain. No thanks. I would rather listen to Jerry Remy and special guest Charlie Moore talk about washing their cars for three innings straight than ever hear another single word from Troy Aikman, Ray Lewis, or Phil Simms.
  • The rules are getting ridiculous. Two guys dance and high five after making a big play. Flag. Fifteen yards and a first down, and if they dare to have anything resembling fun during a that game again they’re tossed. Take that bullshit and shove it all the way up your ass, NFL. I’m all for new rules to protect the players, but the penalties involved have too big of an influence on individual games. And pass interference is the biggest bullshit call in all of sports.
  • The focus on quarterbacks is stupid. The Denver Broncos just won the Superbowl with an all-world defense, a solid running game, and the statistically worst quarterback play in the league. Fuck, Jay fucking Cutler’s been to the god damn playoffs multiple times. Nobody blows bigger sweatier goat balls than Jay Cutler. Getting all excited because a scrub like Ryan Tannehill threw 4000 yards is absurd. 4000’s the new 2000, bro. Football’s a team game, perhaps more so than any of the other major American sports. Cut the shit.
  • Most teams are stupid. I’m convinced Bill Belichick isn’t actually a football genius; he’s just a guy of average intelligence surrounded by competition that usually can’t tie its own shoes. Sam freaking Bradford’s been traded for multiple high draft picks. Coaches routinely blow timeouts, fuck up challenges, and wuss out on fourth-and-short situations logic dictates they should absolutely go for. Teams repeatedly attempt to force players into their precious systems rather than adapting their game plans to maximize their players’ strengths, which is just dumb. It’s amazing—and incredibly frustrating.
  • The league is full of scumbags. For the record, I don’t think it’s the NFL’s job to punish its employees for off-field criminal activity; that’s why we have a justice system. However…holy shit, I really can’t deal with the ginormous collection of butt munches playing professional football. Where in the hell do all these cock rockets come from and why do they think it’s ok to be the way they are? Jesus Christ.
  • Commissioner Goodell’s a terd. Flat out.

So yeah. It’s over between me and the NFL, at least until some of the above changes. It probably won’t. I’ve got a new love in my life, however, at least while baseball’s on vacation: hockey. We’ve always been friends, but now romance is finally blossoming. Ah, the sweetness of new love!

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