How to make Boston a world class city

Since the introduction of the failed Olympic bid, there’s been a ton of talk about transforming Boston into a world class city. No one can give me an actual definition of what that really means, but most people insist it involves improvements to our transportation infrastructure and replacing every single fun or useful thing with an overpriced plastic condo building or a generic classy restaurant that serves twelve dollar cocktails you could fit in a Dixie cup with room to spare. Although that transportation stuff would be nice, the second part of that run-on sentence can kiss my hairy white ass. You want to make Boston a world class city? Here’s how you do it, bro.

  • Every bar should have coat hooks installed underneath it. If I’m sitting on my coat or hanging it up in some back hallway on top of a disease-infested stranger’s, you’re doing it wrong.
  • I have it on good authority that Boston’s mosh pits “fucking suck,” especially those in the House of Blues. Upgrade the pits, please. We cannot allow places like Worcester and Springfield to lap us in the punk rock demographic. The effect would be catastrophic.
  • Two words: Happy Hour. Let’s get some cheap beverages up in this shit. It’ll help with both community building and the local birth rate. It’ll be great.
  • Preserve Route 1 in Saugus as an historic landmark that can never be changed. For real. We need a giant orange dinosaur a lot more than we need luxury condos. Besides, living in luxury on Route 1 is impossible because it would violate at least 18 well-established laws of physics and another seven that I just made up. The Hilltop Steakhouse should not be a hole in the ground. Weylu’s should still be smiling down at passing motorists from its majestic perch. And I swear to the Force if anything ever happens to the Kowloon there’s going to be a fucking problem. John Cena needs somewhere to eat chicken fingers after Raw at the Garden.
  • Require two-ply in all bathrooms. I don’t know the exact number of people who visit Boston and never return after wiping their sensitive bits with the sandpaper installed in most restrooms, but I’m sure that number isn’t zero. You can’t be world class if you make your guests’ bungholes itch.
  • Get the Bruins some defensemen. For real. This is probably the most embarrassing part of the city now that the Red Sox are done.
  • Build a fence around Rhode Island. Like, a really big one. And electrify it. Treat that dump like a velociraptor pen.
  • After the fence is built, round up all the people who think Boston isn’t a world class city and deport them to Rhode Island. We’ll all be much better off without those tools. And no, terrible bloggers who ironically used the world class thing as an excuse to write a half-assed post should not be included in the list of deportees.

Leave a Reply