How I’m protesting the Donald

March if you want to. I’ve got a better plan.

In light of yesterday’s leaked intelligence report alleging the president-elect is a Russian stooge who once rented a hotel room previously used by the Obamas and hired a gaggle of local “talent” to perform a golden shower show on the bed as a means of defiling it, I’m going to rent a hotel room the Donald previously stayed in, Febreeze the piss out of the bed, get under the covers, and…

  • Buy a Tesla and some solar panels.
  • Order tacos and leave the room’s door wide open so room service can stroll right in.
  • Eat fried chicken with my bare hands.
  • Browse OkCupid for a strong, professional woman and send her a nice polite message.
  • Properly sell a Stone Cold Stunner delivered by housekeeping.
  • Start a union.
  • Watch It’s Complicated.
  • Kick Planned Parenthood a few bucks.
  • Fire up Command and Conquer: Red Alert on my laptop and kick some Russian tail.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW DO YA LIKE THAT, DONNIE!?!? U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

(Oh God, I’m going to get itches in my nether regions, aren’t I?)

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