Fire Bobby V

If you had told me a month ago that Bobby Valentine would still be the manager of the Boston Red Sox on Labor Day, I would’ve punched you in the face. Your knuckle sandwich would’ve been delivered courtesy of two reasons: number one, in the hopes that a few rearranged bicuspids would help you see the error of your thinking, and number two, because I feel the overwhelming desire to hit something whenever someone brings up the local nine’s muppet-faced manager.

There is no way to justify keeping this loser around. None. Unfortunately, the Red Sox are run by a bunch of rich white guys, and rich white guys think rich white guys never make mistakes. Fire the manager? But that would imply we hired the wrong dude, and that’s just not possible! Look at all our money! That proves we’re smart! Mr. Washington, Mr. Lincoln, and Mr. Franklin all agree!

Rich white guys don’t admit to being wrong, they simply buy evidence that they were right and whatever piss-poor decision lead to the downfall of one of their pet projects was, in fact, someone else’s fault. In the event Bobby V is dismissed, keep your eyes open for a Forbes article revealing Theo Epstein’s “secret files” that list Valentine as some sort of Tommy Lasorda/Joe Torre hybrid whose mere presence would turn Dice-K into the second coming of Cy Young and would help John Lackey adopt a Vegan, straight-edge lifestyle.

I don’t know what pisses me off worse: watching Bobby V in the dugout, or knowing that ESPN will pay him millions to come back to commentary after he gets shit canned. It’s like how I cuss out Fox’s football coverage every time Matt Millen, the guy who built that 0-16 Lions team, pops up on the screen to teach me about the NFL. And now, to explain the Baltimore Orioles’ recent surge, is a guy that wrecked a much more talented team in just five months! Maybe the key is to listen to what he says and realize that the opposite of his analysis is probably correct. I just hope they put him on the same show as Francona so Tito can smack his shit right down the way Orel Hershiser used to with Joe Morgan. Nomar needs to get in on the act, too, just to make me smile.

Granted, the Sox suffered a ton of injuries this year, but injuries don’t wreck your clubhouse’s culture and make people not want to come to work. Kelly Shoppach and Adrian Gonzalez didn’t text ownership because they were angry about Cody Ross’s bunions. It’s not like Kaz Matsui was anally bleeding in the whirlpool.

The Sox need to just end it with Bobby V. Doing so would prove to the players that are going to be here next year that ownership gives a shit about them. Ok, maybe it wouldn’t prove it, but it might trick a few of them into kind of believing it. Maybe.

Oh, and Cody Ross probably doesn’t have bunions. That was just a joke. I’m sure his feet are pristine, like little Elysian Fields with toes.

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