Dear Santa: The Great Grocery Grumble

Dear Santa,

You know who deserves some big ol’ lumps of coal in their organic stockings this year? The dirty hippies in charge of Whole Foods. You see, Mr. Kringle, those assholes bought out Johnny’s Food Master and closed the location closest to my residence.

Now I have to walk to the Shaw’s in Porter Square to do my grocery shopping. This inevitably leads to me attempting to hand the cashier my Stop and Shop card because who the fuck ever knows if they’re in a Shaw’s or a Stop and Shop, and then said cashier always gives me the stink eye and gets snippy. Those judgmental jerks deserve coal too.

The closure of Johnny’s Food Master has also severely limited my choices in Dannon Fruit on the Bottom yogurt. Shaw’s only has strawberry and blueberry; there is nary a raspberry, mixed berry, peach, or boysenberry to be found. I don’t even know what the fuck a boysenberry is, but it’s damn good in yogurt. I think it might be some kind of grape. This is why Johnny was the Food Master and this Shaw fellow is undeserving of any similar title of grocer nobility.

Closing Johnny’s Food Master, sir, is about as naughty as it gets.

Merry Christmas,

P.S. I wouldn’t mind getting some of that boysenberry Fruit on the Bottom in my stocking. Keep it in mind.

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