Rolling in Royalties

Who got his first ever novel royalty check this week? This lucky buckaroo! One-hundred and two smackers and change. I’d post a picture, but I don’t want any of you sketchy Internet people ripping me off or Photoshopping stupid cat pictures over the top of it.

I now find myself with a quandary I’ve always wanted to have: how do I spend all of my writing profits? I’ve narrowed down the options to a group of finalists and ranked them from “yeah, that’s useful and I should buy that but I probably won’t” to “I shouldn’t waste my hard-earned income on this crap but I probably will anyway.”

  • Pots and pans. I’ve spent most of my adult years living with people who thought it was important to spend more than $8 on a frying pan. I kind of miss being able to mooch kitchen equipment off those people. A nice stainless steel saucepan can go a long way, especially if you ever need something sturdy to swing at a burglar. I don’t think it’s important to spend a lot of money on the kitchen, but I got used to a certain lifestyle.
  • A second desk or table. My current desk is way too small to hold all the change I’m piling atop it, hence why I’ve set up my second laptop atop a nightstand half of its size. It looks like some kind of half-assed podium or lectern. I really need another desk or table; running one computer at a time just is not working for me.
  • An electric bug swatter. I got to play with one of these a few weeks ago. I’m not sure I’ve ever had more fun. I felt like a predator stalking my helpless prey.
  • Four cab rides to work. Fuck taking the T in the morning. Thanks to my writing prowess, I can afford to commute in style in the back of a smelly cab.
  • A Chris Jericho-style blinking jacket. All of a sudden, the lights dim in the bar. Amid the shrieks and gasps, a series of gently pulsating lights shaped vaguely like a man cuts through the terrifying darkness. The house lights go back up, the music hits, and I turn around with a fist pump and order a Manhattan. And all the ladies swoon and rush to pay for my drink.
  • Beer. Yeah, Narragansett’s probably about to be one-hundred and two dollars and change richer.