Jinder, Unhindered

Jinder Mahal defeated Randy Orton to become WWE Champion at Backlash last night. Up until a few weeks ago Jinder was a total joke, a jobber they’d trot out just to lose to someone better or get snow plowed by Rob Gronkowski. He’s not one of the golden children that came up through NXT. He was an afterthought, a guy we all sort of ironically pulled for but not really. He’s a retread, a guy that left the company and ostensibly only came back because they needed more workers following last year’s brand split. Now…he’s somehow won a main roster world title before more heralded guys like Sami Zayn, Baron Corbin, Rusev, Shinsuke Nakamura, and Samoa Joe.  That’s nuts.

Looking back, the signs were all there. Smackdown, the brand on which Jinder plies his trade, is being pushed as “The Land of Opportunity.” He was given a pair of lackeys in the Bollywood Boys and a brand new moniker as the Modern Day Maharaja. Orton, the man he defeated, has kind of sucked since he burned down Bray Wyatt’s cult shack. With Rusev’s injury, a recent face turn for AJ Styles, and Kevin Owens otherwise occupied with the United States Championship, Smackdown was without a main event villain. The evil foreigner who hates America is a tried-and-true wrestling trope that always gets a reaction. We should’ve seen this coming. Rumors persist that Jinder’s in this spot because of his new, totally natural physique and WWE’s desire to expand its Indian audience, but I think it more likely that they realized they had a hole to patch and decided to fill it creatively. The move’s certainly built a lot of buzz online.

So yeah. I should’ve predicted a Mahal victory. Now that it’s over with, I’m going to make a prediction about his future: this won’t be a short, one-and-done reign. Jinder Mahal will hold that championship into the fall, thanks in large part to assistance from the Bollywood Boys. Crowds already hate the guy, in part because many of them don’t believe he should be in this spot. Give him a run where he keeps that title through nefarious means and you’ve got a nuclear fucking heel on your hands. Assuming he and his disgusting veins don’t get popped for PEDs first, of course.

WWE’s Linda McMahon to head Small Business Administration

Because apparently running a global, multi-billion dollar company that’s essentially a monopoly makes you an expert on small business. Makes perfect sense.

Putting Linda McMahon in charge of small business is like…putting Charlotte Flair—who slapped the stylin’ and profilin’ straight out of her father, Ric Flair, on Raw this week—in charge of family initiatives.

Or putting the New Day in charge of the Food and Drug Administration because they came out of a giant cereal box at Wrestlemania.

Or putting Broken Matt Hardy in charge of Predator strikes because he’s got a little drone buddy.

Or putting Santino Marella in his Santina “Miss Wrestlemania” gear and tasking him with advocating for women.

Or asking Seth Rollins to rebuild the nation’s infrastructure because he’s the architect of the Shield.

Or making Roman Reigns your speech writer.

Or making the Miz your ambassador to France because he’s married to a French Canadian. Yes, he’s awesome. It doesn’t matter.

Or making Finn Balor Secretary of Transportation because he used to ride another wrestler to the ring in Japan.

I could go on and on and on, but you get the point. Like most other things the Big Orange Blumpkin does, the McMahon appointment doesn’t make a whole heck of a lot of sense. Yes, she’s successful and she seems like a good person, but come on. Is a subject matter expert too much to ask for? And if you voted for that terd gobbler, remember: you brought the pending storm of half-assed Scott Colby blog posts bitching about him upon yourselves. May God have mercy on your souls.