Ah, the AFC Central. So top heavy and boring. So predictable. That said, I totally just jinxed myself and Cleveland’s taking this division.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers – Yes, they’re old. Yes, they’re always banged up. No, they’re not done. That playoff loss to Tim Tebow’s Denver Broncos has got to sting, and it’ll motivate Pittsburgh to one more year atop the division they’ve mostly owned for the last decade.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Jennifer Aniston. It seems like she’s been around forever, but she just keeps on keepin’ on.
2. Baltimore Ravens (wildcard) – Ray Rice is a certified beast behind one of the game’s better offensive lines. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed can still bring it. That said, I don’t trust Joe Flacco. If something happens to Rice, the Ravens are screwed.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Ke$ha. I wouldn’t want to meet either her or that shifty-eyed Joe Flacco in a dark alley. Luckily, I suspect you can smell both of them from five hundred feet away.
3. Cincinnati Bengals – Certainly a young team on its way up, but that’ll only get you so far when you share a division with a pair of juggernauts. BenJarvus Green-Ellis may not outperform the departed Cedric Benson’s production, but at the very least he’s a lot less likely to end up in jail.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Deborah Ann Woll. True Blood’s Jessica is hot stuff, but she hasn’t appeared in anything important outside of HBO’s crown jewel. Give her a few years. Yes, I put her in this spot partly because she has the same color hair as Bengals’ quarterback Andy Dalton. I am not above using a cheap trick or two.
4. Cleveland Browns – The Browns were recently sold for $1 billion. $1 billion seems like way too much for something that spends half of its time in Cleveland. In more relevant news, it doesn’t matter how old quarterback Brandon Weeden is because he’s got no one to throw to and a line that’s going to get him killed.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Kathy Griffin. Good for an occasional laugh, but not a team you want to watch very often.