Because nothing shows off an individual’s logic and reasoning skills quite like attempting to predict the outcome of a scripted sporting event.
Chris Jericho vs. Faaaaaaandaaaaaaangooooooooo – They couldn’t have given the Man of 1,001 Holds something a little bit better to do here? Surprisingly, this has been one of the better booked angles leading up to Wrestlemania; Fandango and Y2J have conveyed a genuine hatred for each other, and if given enough time they could probably manage a decent enough story in the ring, too. That said…yeah, that’s not going to happen. Both men will perform their fantastic entrances, then some sort of shenanigan will keep Fandango from making his debut once again. Jericho by disqualification.
Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls vs. Rhodes Scholars and the Bella Twins – Purists and smarks want to know just what the two dancing buffoons are doing on a Wrestlemania card, to which I must ask: have you watched Wrestlemania before? They always make room for some silly shit–and personally, I’m kind of looking forward to this particular silly shit, mostly because Damien Sandow is the man and I would give the Intellectual Savior of the Masses all of the belts ever if I were writing for WWE. Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls with the win.
The Miz vs. Wade Barrett for the Intercontinental Championship – Here are two guys who could each be so much more. What could’ve been an excellent face turn for the Miz has been a bit ruined by the typical juvenile humor WWE forces upon all of their heroes. Wade Barrett’s been saddled with a shitty elbow finisher and an even shittier bare-knuckle fighter gimmick when they should just run the dude as an evil genius and have him Black Hole Slam people. The Miz gets the nod here, mostly because he’s never lost at Wrestlemania and I suspect WWE wants to go somewhere with that, at least for a little while. The Miz takes the belt and makes me smile like a little girl.
Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston for the Tag Team Championships – Kane and Daniel Bryan have been the best thing on WWE TV this year, and it feels like their dysfunctional gimmick still has some gas in its tank. Dolph’s one of the best workers on the roster and Big E’s an intriguing presence, but I don’t see the titles changing hands without a much more dramatic build up of tension between the champs. Team Hell No retains.
Ryback vs. Mark Henry – Straight up Hoss fight right here, people, and there ain’t nothing wrong with watching two behemoths repeatedly run into each other until one of them can’t get up. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to be the behemoth I prefer; I could watch Mark Henry whoop people and yell funny things all day, but Ryback’s younger, more popular, and likely in line for a big year. Ryback in a slobber knocker.
Randy Orton, Sheamus, and the Big Show vs. The Shield – Like the aforementioned Ryback, there’s no good reason to kill the Shield’s momentum with a loss here. A victory over this trio of decorated performers would open up a lot of eyes and point them right at Ambrose, Rollins, and Reigns. This one doesn’t feel like it’ll end clean; one of the the big names is likely to turn on the other two and cost his team the match. The Shield by hook or by crook.
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar – Meh. Triple H wins.
CM Punk vs. The Undertaker – Let’s say you’re building a prototype wrestler from scratch to get the rub of ending the Undertaker’s undefeated streak at Wrestlemania. You’d want…
- A guy young enough and healthy enough to make use of said rub.
- A guy who would actually benefit from beating the Dead Man.
- A guy who lives and breathes wrestling and thus isn’t likely to run off to Hollywood in five years.
- A guy who could believably beat the Undertaker.
There aren’t many wrestlers on the roster who fit all those criteria. John Cena doesn’t need it. The Big Show, Chris Jericho, Kane, and Mark Henry are too old. Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, and Alberto Del Rio aren’t credible threats just yet. Randy Orton’s already violated the Wellness Policy twice. Ryback doesn’t speak well enough to make legitimate use of ending the streak. That really leaves two guys: Sheamus and CM Punk. I don’t think anyone’s ever going to beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania because WWE is extremely attached to its statistics, but if someone were to do it, well, the Dead Man’s wrestling someone for whom it would at least make some sense this year, which makes the match that much more compelling. The Undertaker’s streak lives on.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger for the World Heavyweight Championship – There are no words to express how annoyed I am that the conservative Swagger hasn’t shown up with papers proving that Ricardo Rodriguez, Del Rio’s awesome ring announcer, is in fact an illegal alien. Getting Rodriguez–perhaps the most sympathetic character on WWE TV–dragged out and deported would’ve done a lot to get Swagger over as a villainous monster. And Ricardo’s triumphant return just in time for Wrestlemania would’ve made the crowd absolutely explode. This shit writes itself. As does the outcome of this match, thanks to Swagger’s recent DUI and the progress the underrated Del Rio has made since his face turn. Alberto Del Rio retains.
John Cena vs. The Rock for the WWE Championship – Both men have felt like they’re just going through the motions since the Royal Rumble. There’s very little intrigue to this match; their feud feels impersonal and predestined, as does the outcome. Cena has to win, right? The entire last year of WWE programming has been about Cena’s attempt at redemption for last year’s loss to the Great One. On paper, this pick looks easy, but that’s the problem: it looks too easy. Wrestling Logic 101 makes it painfully obvious that John Cena is going to win this match. It’s a story that works. It’s a story that makes sense. It’s the vindication of the hero, the comeback of a (to some) beloved icon who fell on hard times. Something’s up. I still think Cena’s going to win, but how he does it could end up being very, very interesting. John Cena wins the belt.