Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down as leader of the Catholic Church. What we’ve got here, ladies and gentlemen, is an ancient organization in dire need of a strapping young buck to guide it through the perils of the modern world. I can’t think of a strappinger young buck than yours truly, although I might be in trouble if Tim Tebow decides to run against me despite the fact that I look better in the hat. Ever wanted to see a pontiff ghost ride the popemobile? How about an Easter mass involving several Waterboy quotes? Want to upgrade the church wine to church Jack Daniels? Vote Colby for Pope!
When I’m in charge of the Holy See, I’ll finally be able to put some weight behind these new commandments I found written in crayon on the back of a Fallout Boy CD I got at a garage sale. Try these on for size:
- Thou shalt not speaketh whilst riding public transportationeth.
- Thou shalt stop seeing Jesus in thine toast. Dude hath better things to doeth than decorating thine victuals.
- Thou shalt not order kamikaze shots lest thine are a pussy.
- Thou shalt always remember to hollah “we want prenup.”
- Thou shalt know what thou plans to order before thou gets in line.
- Thou shalt not deprive others of ample Dannon Fruit on the Bottom variety.
- Thou shalt honor Wednesday as Prince Spaghetti Day.
- Thou shalt not poop in the shower.
- But the sink is ok.
- Thou shalt not trust bloggers.
I just hope the locals don’t rise up and kill me. I don’t trust any of my friends to properly lead my disciples to Utah.