Facebook Forgot a Few Emotions

If you pay any attention to Facebook, you’ve probably noticed that you can now tag status updates with emotions. This adds a “feeling such-and-such” line to the end of your update in slightly different colored text and occasionally an emoticon. Yes, this is dumb. That doesn’t mean I can’t chide Facebook for omitting the following very important feelings.

  • Feeling gassy. Had too much Chipotle? The world needs to know. Save your coworkers from a miserable elevator ride. Warn your significant other about a potential invocation of the Dutch oven.
  • Feeling like the dead dog shit. The Iron Sheik is pissed at you because you forgot to respect the legend and/or didn’t by his t-shirt. Better rectify that, unless you want to be lumped in with the Ultimate Warrior, the Chris Brown, and the Alex Rodriguez mother. #teamsheikie
  • Feeling like P. Diddy. If you’re brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack, someone needs to know about it–preferably someone who isn’t averse calling certain hotlines for assistance. Also attracts men who look like Mick Jagger.
  • Feeling patriotic. Given what we now know about PRISM and the NSA’s wholesome desire to keep us all safe through the magic of data mining, we should all regularly make sure that the powers-that-be understand just how much we’ve bought into the status quo.
  • Feeling crunk. Get your cups ready, ladies and gentlemen. Occasionally leads to the aforementioned “feeling gassy.” Definitely not the result of feeling like P. Diddy.
  • Feeling this. A statement that’s become such an overused part of the cultural lexicon that it inspired Blink-182 to write a song about it deserves to be immortalized forever in social media. And by “forever,” I mean “until they have to turn off the servers because the stock crashed when everyone switched to something new and better that included all these missing emotions at launch.”
  • Feeling like I just stumbled out of the bar to find the sun is still out. Seriously, fuck that. There is no experience more distressing and disconcerting. Go away, sun; you’re ruining my buzz and all the ugly people around me don’t look as good as they should through my beer goggles because there’s too much light.