Facebook Forgot a Few Emotions

If you pay any attention to Facebook, you’ve probably noticed that you can now tag status updates with emotions. This adds a “feeling such-and-such” line to the end of your update in slightly different colored text and occasionally an emoticon. Yes, this is dumb. That doesn’t mean I can’t chide Facebook for omitting the following very important feelings.

  • Feeling gassy. Had too much Chipotle? The world needs to know. Save your coworkers from a miserable elevator ride. Warn your significant other about a potential invocation of the Dutch oven.
  • Feeling like the dead dog shit. The Iron Sheik is pissed at you because you forgot to respect the legend and/or didn’t by his t-shirt. Better rectify that, unless you want to be lumped in with the Ultimate Warrior, the Chris Brown, and the Alex Rodriguez mother. #teamsheikie
  • Feeling like P. Diddy. If you’re brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack, someone needs to know about it–preferably someone who isn’t averse calling certain hotlines for assistance. Also attracts men who look like Mick Jagger.
  • Feeling patriotic. Given what we now know about PRISM and the NSA’s wholesome desire to keep us all safe through the magic of data mining, we should all regularly make sure that the powers-that-be understand just how much we’ve bought into the status quo.
  • Feeling crunk. Get your cups ready, ladies and gentlemen. Occasionally leads to the aforementioned “feeling gassy.” Definitely not the result of feeling like P. Diddy.
  • Feeling this. A statement that’s become such an overused part of the cultural lexicon that it inspired Blink-182 to write a song about it deserves to be immortalized forever in social media. And by “forever,” I mean “until they have to turn off the servers because the stock crashed when everyone switched to something new and better that included all these missing emotions at launch.”
  • Feeling like I just stumbled out of the bar to find the sun is still out. Seriously, fuck that. There is no experience more distressing and disconcerting. Go away, sun; you’re ruining my buzz and all the ugly people around me don’t look as good as they should through my beer goggles because there’s too much light.

Vote Colby for Pope!

Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down as leader of the Catholic Church. What we’ve got here, ladies and gentlemen, is an ancient organization in dire need of a strapping young buck to guide it through the perils of the modern world. I can’t think of a strappinger young buck than yours truly, although I might be in trouble if Tim Tebow decides to run against me despite the fact that I look better in the hat. Ever wanted to see a pontiff ghost ride the popemobile? How about an Easter mass involving several Waterboy quotes? Want to upgrade the church wine to church Jack Daniels? Vote Colby for Pope!

When I’m in charge of the Holy See, I’ll finally be able to put some weight behind these new commandments I found written in crayon on the back of a Fallout Boy CD I got at a garage sale. Try these on for size:

  • Thou shalt not speaketh whilst riding public transportationeth.
  • Thou shalt stop seeing Jesus in thine toast. Dude hath better things to doeth than decorating thine victuals.
  • Thou shalt not order kamikaze shots lest thine are a pussy.
  • Thou shalt always remember to hollah “we want prenup.”
  • Thou shalt know what thou plans to order before thou gets in line.
  • Thou shalt not deprive others of ample Dannon Fruit on the Bottom variety.
  • Thou shalt honor Wednesday as Prince Spaghetti Day.
  • Thou shalt not poop in the shower.
  • But the sink is ok.
  • Thou shalt not trust bloggers.

I just hope the locals don’t rise up and kill me. I don’t trust any of my friends to properly lead my disciples to Utah.