The NFL sucks. We’ve been over this, but I need to reiterate for the sake of introduction. The games are boring, the presentation blows, the rules are stupid, and every team not named the Patriots appears to be working with some sort of mental handicap. I used to be a huge fan, but I’ve since divorced the league. After watching a few games over the holidays I’m more sure than ever that I made the right choice and I’m not missing anything.
I was discussing this suckitude with someone the other day and suggested that now would be a great time for a rival league to try to get rolling. I don’t hate the game of football, after all; I just hate the NFL. Maybe I’ve got the XFL on the brain because of that upcoming 30-for-30 documentary and one-day popup hall of fame. Whatever the reason…I’ve been thinking a lot about what that rival league might look like. I’m going to throw it all into a bulleted list.
I give you…the ScottFL.
- It’s a spring/summer league. Competing head-to-head with the NFL, NBA, and NHL (ok, fine, really just those first two) would be kind of dumb. Providing an action-packed alternative to the dog days of summer baseball could be just the ticket.
- It’s all about pace of play. Two twenty-minute halves, thirty-second play clock, two timeouts per half…and no fucking commercials. Seriously. The ScottFL will sell every inch of its teams’ uniforms, fields, and arenas to advertisers. No more sitting through the same six commercials seventeen thousand god damn mother fucking times every game.
- No fucking kickers. Seriously. Kickers suck. They’re not even human. No field goals, no points after, and for the love of Christ no fucking punting. Get that shit all the way out of here. Situations that would otherwise involve a kickoff instead put the offensive team on their own two yard line.
- Safeties—which are awesome and hilarious—are now worth three points.
- The field is shorter. Fifty yards from goal line to goal line. Move it along, losers.
- Penalties based on yardage and fresh downs are bullshit. We’re going NHL style. Holding? False start? Face mask? Get in the box for a couple minutes while your team plays a man down.
- Breathing on a dude is no longer pass interference.
- No former players on color commentary. They’re all insufferable dopes. I will end the ScottFL before I allow this particular rule to be broken.
- A touchdown is still worth six.
- A fat guy touchdown is worth seven.
- The point after is replaced by a two-point conversion worth one point.
- Fun and individuality will not be punished. Players can wear whatever they want on their shoes, gloves, and face masks. Cash prizes will be distributed weekly for best end zone dance, sack taunt, and coach tirade.
- No Mannings. Ever.
- All coaches must provide a high school diploma before hire and be able to pass randomly administered literacy tests.
- Screw it. Fat guy touchdowns are worth ten points.