The one thing that riles me up more than public transportation is professional football. From September to February, I spend every Sunday afternoon glued to whatever television set I can find, watching whatever game happens to be on (unless my only choice is the Jets against the Dolphins, because I’m a New Englander so fuck that). I yell, I scream, I cuss, and I don’t hesitate to tell the commentators, referees, coaches, and coordinators all about how I could their jobs better than they can.
To get myself good and warmed up for the upcoming months of arrogant I-know-better-than-you’ing, I’m going to foist my preseason picks (which are better than yours, by the way) upon the unsuspecting Internet. But these aren’t just any picks; these are picks made using the award-winning Hollywood Starlet Equivalency Index, a public service I developed to help those who don’t know anything about football better understand the teams involved. It’s my little gift to the sports prognostication world; if you fuckers return it for store credit, I will find out, and I will not come to your birthday party ever again.
With no further ado, here’s the American Football Conference’s East division.
1. New England Patriots – I’d pick the Pats to take this division even if I weren’t such a ridiculous homer. This team is too talented, too stable, and too well-managed to fall apart without the help of several dozen ridiculous injuries. Brandon Lloyd should give Tom Brady the legitimate deep threat he’s lacked since Randy Moss, beastly tight ends Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez should keep getting better, and the defense will be significantly better with a healthy year from safety Patrick Chung. The secondary continues to be a concern, but Bill Belichick obviously doesn’t give a fuck.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Scarlett Johansson. The best of the best, even if you shave her head, put her in a fat suit, and make her talk with an annoying lisp.
2. Miami Dolphins (wildcard) – Better than most people think, Miami actually allowed the fewest points scored in the division last season. Their 2-5 record in games decided by 7 points or less reveals a team with terrible luck and terrible quarterback play. David Garrard’s no Dan Marino, but he’s reasonably competent as long as he’s got a quality running back to rely on.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Anna Paquin. Kind of funny looking from certain angles, but still attractive.
3. New York Jets – I can’t wait for the inevitable Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow quarterback controversy. I’m pretty sure Head Coach Rex Ryan would be completely content to run the ball on every offensive play, so Tebow seems like a good fit. Even though devoutly religious people give me the willies and I’m required by Massachusetts law to absolutely loathe the fucking Jets, I can’t help pulling for Timmy to steal the Sanchize’s gig. The rest of the team is just too much of a mess.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Kristen Stewart. Good looking on paper, but can’t keep her shit together long enough to be a threat.
4. Buffalo Bills – The league’s most loveable losers are an average team trapped in an above average division. They’d have a shot in either of the West divisions, but not in the loaded East. Awesome quarterback beards, sadly, are not worth any points in the game of professional football.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lisa Kudrow. Always overshadowed by Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston.