I told myself at the beginning of the season that I was going to ween myself off of football games that didn’t involve the Patriots. The general idiocy of the league in terms of both how it’s run and how most teams approach the game really pissed me off. Most Sundays it seems like no one in the NFL outside of New England is actually using their heads. Given how smart the NBA and Major League Baseball have become about pretty much everything, that’s super frustrating.
But you know what I realized? I love crapping on that stupidity so much that I just couldn’t give it up. Sure, football’s a fun game, but the idiots involved in the NFL are just so much more amazing than the on-field product. The league just wouldn’t be the same without all of its dopes. Plus, the newly increased distance in the PAT has lead to several misses and fucked up points after are kind of my jam. More of that, please.
And so, in my quest to blog more often, I’ve landed on the most obvious weekly entry of them all: a weekly picks column that gives me the opportunity to crap all over the league. Enjoy.
Falcons over Saints – Poor Drew Brees. Poor Sean Payton. It’s sad to see one of the only teams in the league I thought had two brain cells to rub together falling apart because of cap issues and shitty drafting. Oh well.
Jets over Redskins – We’re well overdue for a classic Ryan Fitzpatrick bed shitting, but this isn’t the week for it.
Cardinals over Steelers – I don’t believe in the Cardinals. I don’t believe in the Steelers. I don’t believe Todd Chrisley is a real person. Whatevs.
Vikings over Chiefs – I used to sort of believe in both Alex Smith and Teddy Bridgewater. Now I know better. This one’s got baseball score written all over it.
Bills over Bengals – There is no fucking way I’m picking Andy Dalton over a competent Rex Ryan team. That’d be like picking plain toilet water over blue toilet water. You know why the Red Rifle hasn’t been in any DirectTV commercials? Because there is no possible version of Andy Dalton that doesn’t have cable.
Lions over Bears – There’s no way Detroit goes 0-16 again, right? Do they really miss Ndamukong Suh that much? Is Jim Caldwell awake? Is this season all screwed up because Starscream accidentally replaced the wrong Megatron in his latest attempt to takeover leadership of the Decepticons?
Broncos over Browns – Blah. Someone should invent a DVR that filters out Peyton Manning commercials.
Jaguars over Texans – I’m pretty sure Bill Belichick keeps some secret coaching mojo hidden from all his subordinates so they can’t haunt him when they get head coaching jobs of their own. How else do you explain Eric Mangini, Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis, and now the shit show brewing under the watchful eye of the Texans’ Bill O’Brien? It’s amazing.
Titans over Dolphins – Miami’s hilarious. I mean, were they watching the last ten years of Redskins’ football? You can’t buy a good team; you find a smart coach, build from within, fortify your lines first, scour the bargain bin for solid contributors, and invest in youth. It’s not that hard.
Seahawks over Panthers – Fuck Pete Carroll.
Packers over Chargers – I didn’t really like Olivia Munn until she started dating Aaron Rodgers. I always thought she played a little too hard to her nerdy loser base and came off way too self-satisfied about it. Now? She’s alright.
Ravens over 49ers – I used to write a weekly NFL picks column. You know what eventually made me stop? Trying to think up something to say about games like this one. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find something fun to write about a matchup between a pair of 1-4 teams that aren’t thinking about shit canning their coaches or demoting their starting quarterbacks? Try it sometime. You’ll probably crank out a paragraph just as crappy as this one.
Patriots over Colts – This is the only thing this week I’m going to enjoy more than Sasha Banks knocking Brie Bella off the announce table on Raw. Brady’s going to hang 80 on the Colts out of spite. I can’t wait.
Giants over Eagles – Don’t let Eli Manning and his pals fool you: the Giants aren’t good again. They’re just slightly less of a disaster than the rest of their division.