America’s fast food companies are losing their God damn minds lately. McDonald’s brought back the Hamburglar. The Burger King is showing up at boxing matches and horse races and is probably peering in your window right now. KFC’s brain trust deployed a combination of black magic and eleven herbs and spices to help the spirit of Colonel Sanders take possession of Darrel Hammond’s body in a fashion that is absolutely not extra tasty crispy. And Pizza Hut just put the shit cherry on top of the shit sundae by announcing a new crust stuffed with mini hot dogs.
So what’s next for the world of disgusting dining? These slop shops have to keep pushing the envelope to outdo themselves and their competitors, right? Luckily for you, my extensive network of underworld contacts got me the scoop. Some of these guys are more reliable than others, so make sure to take all of this with a grain of salt.
- Domino’s is terrified of Pizza Hut’s tiny weiner extravaganza. They’re planning a counter-attack with a revolutionary new concoction: a pizza with an Italian sub in the crust.
- Little Caesar’s, meanwhile, wants to get in on the reincarnated mascot game. Danny DeVito’s being fitted for a toga as we speak. Word is he’s having difficulty getting the whole pizza-on-a-spear-flip down pat so they’ve flown in an expert from Rome to assist in training.
- Dunkin’ Donuts has fired back by bringing on Keanu Reeves as its new incarnation of Fred the Baker. Keanu’s reportedly researching the role by sleeping in a pile of sprinkles and cooking all of his food in giant greasy toaster ovens.
- Sit down chains are also taking notice. Friendly’s is attempting to cling to relevance by injecting chocolate Fribble into its french fries. An earlier plan to offer free massages with their Happy Ending sundaes “attracted the wrong crowd” during a pilot program in Rhode Island.
- TGI Friday’s is returning to its roots as the nation’s first singles bar. Tinder Tuesday means half-price wings for couples meeting through the infamous app. Craig’s List Wednesday offers $1 beers to hookers, robots, spammers, and desperate old men.
- Sonic plans to make the two guys in their commercials even stupider and more annoying.
- Chipotle will begin to bill its food as a cure for constipation. Feeling a little clogged up? Ask your doctor about Chipotle.