The New York Jets unceremoniously cut Tim Tebow this morning. One can only imagine that God’s probably pretty pissed. I’d joke that the Jets are now damned to ten straight years without a playoff appearance, but they were probably headed in that direction long before they dumped the Lord’s favorite quarterback. I’m sure Timmy will land on his feet, and no one should be anything but happy for anyone who no longer has to play for Gang Green–especially now that Fireman Ed’s gone, too.
But what’s next for Tim Tebow? Pope Benedict couldn’t hold on a few more months, so the Vatican’s probably out of the question. Cue commenters telling me Timmy’s not whatever denomination the papacy belongs to. Like I can tell the difference between a Catholic, a baptist, a protestant, a Lutheran, or whatever else the people who like Jesus are calling themselves these days. They really ought to start color-coding themselves so we Jedi can tell who’s who and what’s what.
But back to the task at hand, because someone as successful as Tim Tebow obviously needs my help figuring out what to do with himself. I’ve got a few ideas:
- Judge on a daytime court show. All rise for the Honorable Judge Tebow! Timmy’s young, but he carries himself with the kind of confident authority befitting of a professional problem solver. Give that man a gavel and a robe and watch all the lonely housewives swoon. Who needs the View when you’ve got a stud muffin like Tebow settling disputes about driveways and unpaid loans to sketchy relatives?
- Maitre d at the new Walgreens in Downtown Crossing. Opening May 1st, the newest Walgreens is everything you’ve ever wanted in a drugstore but didn’t know you needed. Open 24 hours? Check. Sushi bar? Check. Nail salon? Check. Smoothie bar? Check. Beer and wine section? You’d better believe it. It’s the first apothecary that requires a tour guide; reservations will probably be recommended. Give Tebow the job.
- One-legged bisexual vampire with a lisp who owns a trailer park on True Blood. You know, if Timmy wants to completely reinvent himself and prove his range as an actor.
- NFL quarterback. All kidding aside, I like the way this dude plays the game. He’s competitive and he leaves it all out there on the field. He won a playoff game. Who gives a shit how he looks in practice? Put him on the field in a situation where he can help you and he will do just that. If you’re building an offense around a running quarterback like Robert Griffin III or Colin Kaepernick, why are you backing a guy like that up with slow-footed slugs like Kirk Cousins and Colt McCoy? That makes no sense. If Tebow can’t find a starting job, someone ought to make him the number two guy in an offense that takes advantage of college football principles.
I’ve got a brilliant plan to get the MBTA out of debt: give them development rights to one of the casinos supposedly coming to Massachusetts. Great idea, right? I thought so. Why let casino revenue go to some private enterprise when it can instead be used to save and improved one of the state’s most laughed at pieces of supposed infrastructure? I thought I’d written about this before, but I can’t find it anywhere. Whatever. If we can subsidize the school system with lottery profits, we can fix the MBTA with blackjack and penny slots. It’s a better idea than raising fares (again) or further cutting service on the weekends. And under my plan, there’s no way in fuck that casino’s getting built in Everett because no one wants to go to Everett for anything other than Texas Roadhouse and even that’s kind of a stretch sometimes.
Unfortunately, there would be a few downsides to putting the MBTA in charge of a casino. The more I’ve considered my plan, I’m not sure it would be worth dealing with because…
- There would always be a jerk with a giant baby carriage blocking the front door.
- The cocktail waitresses would likely crash into each other because they’re too busy texting.
- They’d break ground on the planned expansion of the poker room without actually having the money to start construction.
- Everything in the casino would be free on certain holidays even though the place is jam packed with people.
- It would smell like piss, desperation, and Axe Body Spray every Saturday night.
- Table games would stay open until 2 am but the cash out windows would close at 1.
- I’ll be damned if I’m giving up my seat at the blackjack table for an old lady or a pregnant woman.
- The entire casino might tip over because it’s too wide for its foundation.
I hope you enjoyed my poorly thought-out jokes about random MBTA happenings you’ve probably all forgotten about by now. When you’re a no-talent hack like yours truly, sometimes garbage like the preceding just happens. At least this article isn’t any dumber than putting a casino in Everett.
Because nothing shows off an individual’s logic and reasoning skills quite like attempting to predict the outcome of a scripted sporting event.
Chris Jericho vs. Faaaaaaandaaaaaaangooooooooo - They couldn’t have given the Man of 1,001 Holds something a little bit better to do here? Surprisingly, this has been one of the better booked angles leading up to Wrestlemania; Fandango and Y2J have conveyed a genuine hatred for each other, and if given enough time they could probably manage a decent enough story in the ring, too. That said…yeah, that’s not going to happen. Both men will perform their fantastic entrances, then some sort of shenanigan will keep Fandango from making his debut once again. Jericho by disqualification.
Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls vs. Rhodes Scholars and the Bella Twins - Purists and smarks want to know just what the two dancing buffoons are doing on a Wrestlemania card, to which I must ask: have you watched Wrestlemania before? They always make room for some silly shit–and personally, I’m kind of looking forward to this particular silly shit, mostly because Damien Sandow is the man and I would give the Intellectual Savior of the Masses all of the belts ever if I were writing for WWE. Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls with the win.
The Miz vs. Wade Barrett for the Intercontinental Championship - Here are two guys who could each be so much more. What could’ve been an excellent face turn for the Miz has been a bit ruined by the typical juvenile humor WWE forces upon all of their heroes. Wade Barrett’s been saddled with a shitty elbow finisher and an even shittier bare-knuckle fighter gimmick when they should just run the dude as an evil genius and have him Black Hole Slam people. The Miz gets the nod here, mostly because he’s never lost at Wrestlemania and I suspect WWE wants to go somewhere with that, at least for a little while. The Miz takes the belt and makes me smile like a little girl.
Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston for the Tag Team Championships - Kane and Daniel Bryan have been the best thing on WWE TV this year, and it feels like their dysfunctional gimmick still has some gas in its tank. Dolph’s one of the best workers on the roster and Big E’s an intriguing presence, but I don’t see the titles changing hands without a much more dramatic build up of tension between the champs. Team Hell No retains.
Ryback vs. Mark Henry - Straight up Hoss fight right here, people, and there ain’t nothing wrong with watching two behemoths repeatedly run into each other until one of them can’t get up. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to be the behemoth I prefer; I could watch Mark Henry whoop people and yell funny things all day, but Ryback’s younger, more popular, and likely in line for a big year. Ryback in a slobber knocker.
Randy Orton, Sheamus, and the Big Show vs. The Shield - Like the aforementioned Ryback, there’s no good reason to kill the Shield’s momentum with a loss here. A victory over this trio of decorated performers would open up a lot of eyes and point them right at Ambrose, Rollins, and Reigns. This one doesn’t feel like it’ll end clean; one of the the big names is likely to turn on the other two and cost his team the match. The Shield by hook or by crook.
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar - Meh. Triple H wins.
CM Punk vs. The Undertaker - Let’s say you’re building a prototype wrestler from scratch to get the rub of ending the Undertaker’s undefeated streak at Wrestlemania. You’d want…
- A guy young enough and healthy enough to make use of said rub.
- A guy who would actually benefit from beating the Dead Man.
- A guy who lives and breathes wrestling and thus isn’t likely to run off to Hollywood in five years.
- A guy who could believably beat the Undertaker.
There aren’t many wrestlers on the roster who fit all those criteria. John Cena doesn’t need it. The Big Show, Chris Jericho, Kane, and Mark Henry are too old. Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, and Alberto Del Rio aren’t credible threats just yet. Randy Orton’s already violated the Wellness Policy twice. Ryback doesn’t speak well enough to make legitimate use of ending the streak. That really leaves two guys: Sheamus and CM Punk. I don’t think anyone’s ever going to beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania because WWE is extremely attached to its statistics, but if someone were to do it, well, the Dead Man’s wrestling someone for whom it would at least make some sense this year, which makes the match that much more compelling. The Undertaker’s streak lives on.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger for the World Heavyweight Championship - There are no words to express how annoyed I am that the conservative Swagger hasn’t shown up with papers proving that Ricardo Rodriguez, Del Rio’s awesome ring announcer, is in fact an illegal alien. Getting Rodriguez–perhaps the most sympathetic character on WWE TV–dragged out and deported would’ve done a lot to get Swagger over as a villainous monster. And Ricardo’s triumphant return just in time for Wrestlemania would’ve made the crowd absolutely explode. This shit writes itself. As does the outcome of this match, thanks to Swagger’s recent DUI and the progress the underrated Del Rio has made since his face turn. Alberto Del Rio retains.
John Cena vs. The Rock for the WWE Championship - Both men have felt like they’re just going through the motions since the Royal Rumble. There’s very little intrigue to this match; their feud feels impersonal and predestined, as does the outcome. Cena has to win, right? The entire last year of WWE programming has been about Cena’s attempt at redemption for last year’s loss to the Great One. On paper, this pick looks easy, but that’s the problem: it looks too easy. Wrestling Logic 101 makes it painfully obvious that John Cena is going to win this match. It’s a story that works. It’s a story that makes sense. It’s the vindication of the hero, the comeback of a (to some) beloved icon who fell on hard times. Something’s up. I still think Cena’s going to win, but how he does it could end up being very, very interesting. John Cena wins the belt.
This is arguably the most entertaining division that isn’t the AL East; there’s talent here, but there’s also a slew of combustible elements liable to explode at any moment. Except, perhaps, for the Padres.
1. San Francisco Giants – If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it–and so the Giants stood pat, bringing back all of their key contributors from last season while foregoing any major additions. On the one hand, there’s definitely something to be said for stability; on the other hand, this isn’t the NFL, and keeping together a group of guys that’s comfortable with each other probably doesn’t matter nearly as much as a lot of analysts might try to lead you to believe. Regardless, Buster Posey’s the man, Matt Cain’s a legit ace, and the rest of the roster is stacked with seasoned professionals. I’m not particularly afraid of the regression monster here, especially given the competition.
Beer equivalent – Narragansett. Steady. You know what you’re going to get, and it’s probably good enough.
2. Arizona Diamondbacks (wild card) - GM Kevin Towers finally blew it up…mostly. The team is still loaded with swing-first-look-at-the-plate-second hitters. The rotation is solid if uninspiring. That said, they’re good enough to score some runs while stopping the opposition from doing the same. A quick exit in the wild card sounds about right.
Beer equivalent – Pabst Blue Ribbon. All of your friends will suddenly start drinking it a few months from now and you’ll wonder how you missed the trend.
3. Los Angeles Dodgers – Building a good baseball team means more than just spending money; it means making sure the left side of your defense isn’t a black hole of suck. Third base, shortstop, and left field are legitimate questions for the Dodgers due to injuries, a lack of depth, and what seems like general forgetfulness. The rotation beyond Clayton Kershaw looks deep at first glance…but who really trusts these guys?
Beer equivalent – Whatever will convince Robinson Cano to sign this offseason. Barring that, whatever Josh Beckett prefers with his fried chicken.
4. Colorado Rockies – An all-world shortstop and right fielder are flanked by…um…sure. A baseball team, I guess.
Beer equivalent – That last Harpoon IPA in a sampler box that’s now mostly full of Raspberry.
5. San Diego Padres – At least they should get something good for Huston Street at the deadline.
Beer equivalent – Water.
American League Champion: Tampa Bay Rays
National League Champion: Washington Nationals
World Series Champion: Washington Nationals
It’s the Cardinals’ world and the rest of these teams just live in it.
1. St. Louis Cardinals – The Red Birds are downright impressive. How do you lose Albert Pujols and still manage to put a squad this talented on the field? For one, the farm system just keeps cranking out hits. They’ve always got a deep bench, which keeps the yearly injury to an important player from completely derailing them. Pitching coach Dave Duncan can probably turn lead into gold. The only thing that’ll keep the Cardinals out of the playoffs this year would be an asteroid striking the Lou.
Beer Equivalent – The Rogue brewery. No matter what they do, you can’t go wrong.
2. Cincinnati Reds – I’m feeling a little down on the Reds this year. They’ve got an impressive lineup and a quality rotation, but no one in this clubhouse other than Joey Votto gets me particularly excited. Brandon Phillips and Bronson Arroyo are old. Jay Bruce and Homer Bailey aren’t nearly as good as they were supposed to be. The Reds will finish a game or two short of the second wild card.
Beer Equivalent – Shipyard Pumpkinhead. Lots of people swear by it, but it’s not really my thing.
3. Pittsburgh Pirates – .500? .500. Here’s a decent rotation without a true ace (although top prospect Gerritt Cole may have something to say about that soon) and a lineup that features Andrew McCutchen and…um…eight other guys. Oh, that’s right, Russell Martin! Unfortunately, it’ll take more than stealing a catcher from the Yankees to get Pittsburgh over the hump, though they’re painfully close.
Beer Equivalent – Sam Adams Boston Lager. Just kind of ok.
4. Milwaukee Brewers – The Brew Crew reminds me of the Chicago White Sox; they aren’t that far removed from their contending years, but they feel like they’re just treading water and might be better off just blowing it up. The rotation’s kind of a mess despite Yovani Gallardo and the recent addition of Kyle Lohse. Alex Gonzalez is slated to be the Opening Day first baseman. That’s not a joke; that’s a career shortstop filling in at first. That’s just silly.
Beer Equivalent – A bottle of Brooklyn Local 1 filled with Zima. It looks ok at first glance, but then you taste it and you realize something is terribly, horribly wrong.
5. Chicago Cubs – Ah, a good old-fashioned rebuild! Anthony Rizzo’s a stud. Shortstop Starlin Castro’s an interesting player who just might kill someone sitting in the first base box seats with an errant throw. There’s still some life in Alfonso Soriano’s bat because for some reason major league pitchers are throwing him things other than sliders down and away. Let’s see what you’ve got, Theo!
Beer Equivalent – A car bomb. Not something you want to do everyday, but when you see one you know shit’s about to get entertaining.
This one should be fun. The NL East is ostensibly a two dog race, but the division’s three also-rans should each explode in a thoroughly entertaining fashion. This will likely be the division that sees the most regulars shipped out at the trade deadline.
1. Washington Nationals – Fans of the Montreal Expos have got to be crying into their croissants right now. The Nationals built a solid young core through the draft and shrewd trading, and now they’re spending to both keep it intact and add to it. Speedy Denard Span solidifies an outfield that also features the steady Jayson Werth and a potential franchise player in Bryce Harper. Rafael Soriano’s on board to be the closer. Dan Haren’s an interesting gamble as the team’s fourth starter. The Nats feel like a more complete team than they did last year, which should absolutely terrify the rest of the National League.
Beer Equivalent – Avery The Reverend. Delicious and refreshing.
2. Atlanta Braves (wild card) – The denizens of Turner Field spent the offseason cornering the market on Uptons, bringing in B.J. from the Rays and Justin from Arizona. Rumor has it the Braves traded cash considerations to Cleveland in exchange for Clinton, the third Upton brother who’s been selling peanuts in the left field bleachers for the last four seasons.
Beer Equivalent – 21st Amendment Fireside Chat. Very good, but no Avery. No, God damn it, not Steve Avery.
3. New York Mets – Although their offense consists of David Wright and a bunch of beer league softball players, the Mets have a surprisingly interesting pitching staff–and that’s even without the departed R.A. Dickey and the injured Johan Santana. Jonathan Niese is no ace, but he’s certainly a quality number two. Matt Harvey looks like the real deal. Dillon Gee and Shaun Marcum can both be surprisingly effective. There’s a tree of hope sprouting in New York, but whether it bares fruit before David Wright retires remains to be seen.
Beer Equivalent – Jack’s Abbey Smoke and Dagger. Kind of interesting, but not a flavor you want to experience every day.
4. Philadelphia Phillies – The once-proud Phillies continue their downward spiral. Ryan Howard’s a shell of his former self. Chase Utley’s still a good ball player when he isn’t hurt, but there’s just one problem: he’s almost always hurt. Roy Halladay’s had a rocky spring and the fourth and fifth spots in the rotation are going to guys who should pitching somewhere like Houston. To combat their age issues, the Phillies went out and traded for Michael Young. Or something.
Beer Equivalent – Schlitz. Old and kind of gross.
5. Miami Marlins – I give it forty games before Giancarlo Stanton refuses to play another game for these losers. That blow up is going to be glorious.
Beer Equivalent – A Jaeger bomb with Lindsay Lohan.
This was the best division in the entire Major Leagues, then some asshole had to let the Astros in. Oh, well; at least now the Mariners have someone to commiserate with.
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – Did they overpay for Josh Hamilton? Probably, but it may have been worth it just to wrest him from the rival Rangers. The Halos are one of the most well-rounded squads in the league, and young studs like Mike Trout and Mark Trumbo will keep them at the top even if veterans like Hamilton and Pujols stumble a bit.
Beer Equivalent – Avery The Reverend. A tad expensive, but worth every penny.
2. Oakland Athletics (wild card) – That’s right, I went there. This is quite the collection of talented young ballplayers. Josh Reddick and Yoenis Cespedes lead a surprisingly potent offense that should score enough runs for ace Bret Anderson and the rest of Oakland’s stout staff. The A’s lack the star power of some of their division rivals, but GM Billy Beane continues to prove there’s more than one way to build a solid club.
Beer Equivalent – Pretty Things Fluffy White Rabbit. This one sneaks up on a lot of people.
3. Texas Rangers – Youngsters Jurickson Profar and Mike Olt want you to forget about that Hamilton guy, Mike Napoli, and Michael Young. The Rangers lost a lot this offseason, but their decisions could easily be vindicated by the age and health of those departures. Still, there are question marks in Texas, and I’m picking the Rangers to stumble just a little bit before regaining their footing next year. They won’t miss the postseason by much.
Beer Equivalent – Harpoon Winter Warmer. Pretty good, but not my first choice.
4. Seattle Mariners – Jason Bay? Raul Ibanez? What is this, a home for elderly outfielders? At least they won’t finish in last place again.
Beer Equivalent – That gross homebrew your friend brought that you poured out in the bushes when he wasn’t looking.
5. Houston Astros – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Beer Equivalent – Corona spiked with dog piss.
This is by far the easiest division to pick in the entire league. That makes me nervous; predicting the outcome of a 162 game season should not be this simple. That likely means I’m about to be terribly, laughably wrong.
1. Detroit Tigers - Jimmy Leyland’s boys are the cream of the Central crop. Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrera combine to form the most frightening middle of the order in the game, and not just because they’re both kind of fat. The Tigers can rake, and the return of Victor Martinez certainly won’t hurt that reputation. The rotation’s decent if a bit bland after ace Justin Verlander, but the bullpen could be a real shit show if rookie Bruce Rondon can’t wrap his considerable girth around the closer’s role. A lot has to go wrong to keep Detroit out of first place this year.
Beer Equivalent – Victory Golden Monkey. It packs a wallop, but it’s also got kind of a strange aftertaste.
2. Cleveland Indians (wild card) – The additions of Nick Swisher and Michael Bourn make the Tribe look a lot better than last year’s squad, at least on paper. They’re essentially starting three center fielders in the outfield. Youngsters like Carlos Santana and Jason Kipnis have another year under their belt. The rotation’s a bit of a crapshoot, but league average pitching should be more than enough to keep this lineup and that defense in contention. Am I putting too much faith in Terry Francona? Probably.
Beer Equivalent – 21st Amendment Fireside Chat. Deep and intriguing, but not something I’m sure I’d want to drink every day.
3. Chicago White Sox – They’re not that bad. They’re not that good. They’re treading mostly just treading water at this point and should probably be blown up. 86 wins isn’t out of the question, but I’m looking at a team that looks like it’ll just miss .500.
Beer Equivalent – Sam Adams Boston Lager. Steady, and it could be a lot worse.
4. Kansas City Royals – So, the Wil Myers trade. KC shipped off one of the top offensive prospects in the game to Tampa Bay in exchange for a supposed ace that’s really a number two starter at best (James Shields) and a number five/long reliever (Wade Davis). If I’m Brian Cashman, I’m calling up KC and offering Phil Hughes for Mike Moustakas and Eric Hosmer. The Royals will be better than they were last year, but that’s not saying much.
Beer Equivalent - That six pack of Bud Light Golden Wheat your neighbor gave you in exchange for helping him shovel a foot of snow out of his driveway.
5. Minnesota Twins - Part of me is glad I no longer have to watch this team get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs anymore. Part of me wishes Minnesota had a better team to put in their gorgeous new stadium. Part of me is kind of excited for some of the kids coming up through the Twins system. There isn’t a single part of me that expects this team to win more than 65 games.
Beer Equivalent – Miller Lite. Kind of tastes like a real beer if you don’t know any better.
It feels like it’s been decades since the American League East was this interesting top-to-bottom. Gone are the days of assumed dominance by the big market squads in New York and Boston as age and fried chicken have caught up with those proud franchises. This one’s a bit of a mess, ladies and gentlemen, and it’s going to be downright fascinating to watch.
Oh, and that beer equivalent thing? It’s a revolutionary metric used to describe Major League Baseball’s teams to your alcoholic friend who knows nothing about the game. I can hear Bill James knocking on my door.
1. Tampa Bay Rays - Major League Baseball’s model franchise is still firing on all cylinders. James Shields may have departed in a thorough fleecing of the Kansas City Royals, but Tampa’s got more than enough solid young pitching to fill his shoes. A midseason call up of Wil Myers could provide that last big bat it always seems like the Rays are lacking. Tampa does it right, and they’ve got no equal in the East.
Beer Equivalent: St. Bernardus 12. It doesn’t get any better.
2. Toronto Blue Jays – Are we really supposed to believe that the same players who turned the Marlins into baseball’s biggest joke are going to turn Toronto into an American League juggernaut? Please. The rotation’s been upgraded, but that’s not saying much given their terrible starting pitching from last season. Put this club in the National League and you’ve got a wild card team. In the Junior Circuit? It’ll be close but no cigar.
Beer Equivalent: Clown Shoes Clementine. Tasty, but something’s missing.
3. Boston Red Sox – Judging the 2013 BoSox means evaluating their core. Shane Victorino, Ryan Dempster, Mike Napoli, and Johnny Gomes are all fine major league players, but they’re complementary pieces who are all likely to break down at some point this season. Are Jacoby Ellsbury, Dustin Pedroia, Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz, and Will Middlebrooks the foundation of a contender? It’s hard to tell; there are a lot of question marks in Fenway, and Big Papi’s lingering foot issues won’t help matters. Still, there’s talent here, and last year’s team definitely didn’t play up to its ability. A .500 record feels about right here.
Beer Equivalent: Narragansett. I’m being a dumb homer and ranking them higher than I probably should.
4. New York Yankees – If Yankees fans have their way, the Bronx Bombers will once again defy age and put together a solid season. If the rest of us get our wish, they’ll go down in flames as the most entertaining circus since…well…yeah, fine, since the 2012 Red Sox. A-Rod, Curtis Granderson, Derek Jeter, and Mark Teixeira are already dealing with injuries. The bullpen looks sketchy beyond Mariano Rivera. And if anything happens to ace CC Sabathia, they’re completely hosed. Word is the Yanks are trying hard to bring their payroll under next season’s luxury tax threshold, which likely means there aren’t many reinforcements on the way.
Beer Equivalent: That box of Magic Hat #9 you left outside on your porch for the entire month of August. It was really good when you bought it, but now it’s kind of skunky.
5. Baltimore Orioles – Talk about a team that played over its head last year. Baltimore’s got a bright future, but I don’t think they’ve quite got the horses to be a perennial contender just yet. I’m picking them to finish in last place, but I’m also predicting that they’ll be the best last place team in baseball.
Beer Equivalent: Sam Adams Alpine Spring. It’s not terrible, but it’s not nearly as good as the White Ale that used to serve as the spring offering for Sam Adams.
Last week, when I announced my campaign to succeed Pope Benedict XVI as leader of the Holy See, I omitted an important detail: the list of individuals upon whom I would bestow sainthood. These are important decisions for a pontiff, and I didn’t want to blow my saintly load too early. Now that I’ve had time to give it some thought, the following individuals would be part of my first round of canonizations.
- Vincent of Stamford, Patron Saint of Chairshots and Genetic Jackhammers. If I need to fire a cardinal, I know who to call. I also will absolve him for that time he teamed up with his son Shane to beat Shawn Michaels and God in a no holds barred match. Yes, that really happened.
- Saints Mo, Larry, and Curly, for their contributions to duty and humanity. Shemp didn’t make the cut. Maybe the Veterans Committee will see things differently in a few years.
- Saint Richard Dawkins, for his contributions to the fields of logic and science. It’s time the Holy See recognizes one of the greatest thinkers of our time.
- The bartenders at Rudy’s in Somerville. Thanks for always being nice to the quiet, antisocial drunk and his Kindle. I’ve always said I would take care of those who’ve taken care of me if I ever made it big.
- Less Than Jake. Ska could use some patron saints.
- Whoever it was at Miller who decided to start putting messages on the inside of the label on bottles of High Life. You can’t quite read it correctly until you drink the beer in front of it. That makes me want to drink the beer that’s in front of it even more. Just when I thought nothing could make me want to drink High Life more than I already want to drink High Life, along comes this guy. Sainthood.
- The genius who decided we should stop writing on all the paper and start wiping our asses with some of it.
- Bob Barker.
- I am way too excited for the HD rerelease of Final Fantasy X-2. #WishICouldChangeAbilitiesByChangingClothes4Realz 4 days ago
- Marc Sanchez just crapped himself. 3 weeks ago
- Who the hell dressed Barry Sanders that badly? 3 weeks ago
- My favorite part of the draft is when they boo Goodell. 3 weeks ago
- The #BushLibrary won't be complete without a copy of "The Pet Goat." 3 weeks ago